made my dad feel better to know that I wasnât all alone in the world, that Mom had survived to take care of me. But how much better could he feel, considering that he was dead?
Already theyâd started busting people for lying about losing family members, either so everyone would feel sorry for them or so they could collect the compensation money that we were supposedly going to get. Every time I read a story like that, I wondered if Mom and I were guilty of something sort of like that. I told myself we werenât. My real dad had really been killed. I hadnât made it up. The fact that he wasnât living with us hardly counted, compared to how horribly heâd died, and the fact that he was gone forever.
My mom had started tucking me in again at night, like she used to when I was little. And once,when I was half asleep, I heard myself sort of mumbling, asking Mom if she thought we should tell someoneâ¦
I didnât have to finish my sentence. She knew what I meant.
She said, âWe donât have to do anything. Except get through this and take care of each other. Thatâs all. Thatâs our job now.â
It crossed my mind that now I might never have to tell anyone that my dad had left us before he got killed. I wondered about when I grew up and got married. Would I have to tell my wife and kids? Or would I take it with me to my grave like some terrible deep dark secret?
Â
Time passed in a strange way, sometimes fast, sometimes slow. One day I woke up and it was October. That was the day my mother got a letter from the headmaster of Baileywell Preparatory Academy.
Sometimes, when the mail was piled so high that it threatened to topple off the dining roomtable and take over the whole room, Mom and I would rouse ourselves just long enough to sort through it and at least throw out the junk mail: the credit card offers, the charity drives, the disgusting letters from realtors who had read about Dad and were wondering if weâd be wanting to sell our home. I hid a lot of mail from her: notes sheâd think she had to answer.
I was the one who first saw the letter from Bullywell Prep. I didnât even open it. I tossed it straight in the throwaway pile.
But there was something about it: the heaviness of the paper, the smooth cream of the envelope, the raised letters, and the crest. The crest! Something signaled authority and called out to Mom across the distance that separated the throwaway pile from her stack of unopened mail.
âWhatâs that ?â she said. âWhatâs that fancy-looking envelope?â
Right from the start, it was as if I heard a voice inside my head, screaming: Donât let Mom see it! Maybe it was because whenever the subject of mynot-so-great grades had come up, sheâd talked about Baileywell in a sort of dreamy way, as if it were a paradise pretending to be a school. As if it were the answer to all my problems.
That was back when not-so-great grades were problems, back before we knew what problems were . Sheâd tell Dad that if only I went to someplace like Baileywell, if only we could afford to send me there, Iâd be interested in school, engaged (her word). Harvard would be practically begging me to go there. And when I pointed out what everyone in town except Mom seemed to knowâthat it wasnât heaven at all, but actually a hell full of vicious demon bulliesâMom had said, âThose are the kind of stories people always make up when theyâre jealous.â
âWhatâs that envelope?â she repeated now.
Donât let Mom see it!
âNothing,â I said.
âLet me see it,â she said.
CHAPTER THREE
D R . B RATTON CALLED and made an appointment, and actually came to our house. I watched him from the window, parking and getting out of his big-assed Yukon. I was a little surprised, because all the teachers and administrators at my old middle school drove crappy little Toyotas or (if