Crap Kingdom Read Online Free Page A

underwater, and then he was thrilled even though he still had no idea what was going on. The water felt glorious after being in a metal box that was insufferably hot even before it became filled with fire. It would put out Gark’s full-body inferno. Best of all, it meant that they were through the portal, in another world. Tom hoped this entire world wasn’t underwater, but hey, he was the Chosen One: he probably had gills.

4
    TOM OPENED HIS eyes. They immediately started to burn. Then they really started to burn, and he really started to panic, and in his panic his mouth sprang open and foul-tasting liquid rushed in: soap. His mouth was full of soap. He hadn’t gotten in trouble for swearing as a kid and even if he had, his parents weren’t from the 1950s, so he’d never had a mouthful of soap. It was not the kind of new experience Tom was excited to have, and he wanted it to be over.
    He saw Gark a few feet away, floundering in the soapy water, little charred bits of his clothing floating all around him. Gark saw Tom, gave him a double thumbs-up, and smiled, showing all his teeth. He seemed to immediately regret the decision to open his mouth.
    Tom swam upward. There was intermittent light from above, like they were underneath a layer of lily pads. As he got closer to the surface, he realized it wasn’t lily pads or any other kind of aquatic plant. It was clothes.
    Tom swam past acid-washed jeans and a training bra. He felt the weight of his own waterlogged clothes. He suddenly became aware of the stuff in his pockets. The contents of his wallet would be soaked, and—oh dear God—his phone.
    At pool parties he’d seen kids move to throw another kid in the pool, only to have the first kid say he had his phone in his pocket, and then the attacking kids, sympathetic because they, too, had phones in their pockets, would wait patiently while he removed his phone, keys, and wallet and set them on some patio furniture, and then, finally ready to be pranked, he’d get picked up and hurled in, stiffly, all the surprise gone. It was the least fun fun had ever been. But now Tom understood. His phone would most certainly be dead. And though not a lot of people called or texted Tom besides his mom and Kyle, he liked knowing that everyone had the option.
    Tom breached the surface and still couldn’t see anything. Something had attached itself to his head, covering his eyes. He reached up and removed a pair of wet tighty-whiteys from his forehead. Then someone poured liquid soap in his face.
    “
Gargh!
” Tom said.
    “
Ahhhh!
” said the guy who had just poured soap in his face.
    Tom immediately ducked back beneath the surface to wash the gross, waxy stuff out of his eyes. He resurfaced and saw the culprit: a man on a raft holding a bucket. Tom noticed another man on the raft. The other man noticed Tom.
    “
Thief!
” he screamed, picking an oar up out of the water and rearing back, preparing to hit Tom’s head like a golf ball on a tee. “
Clothes-thief!
”
    Gark popped up next to Tom.
    “Hold on!” Gark said. “That’s the Chosen One! Official king’s business!”
    Tom thought,
These guys are gonna be so embarrassed when they realize they almost beheaded the Chosen One.
    “Oh,
that
,” said the man holding the bucket.
    The man holding the oar dropped his ready-to-kill stance and looked at his oar almost apologetically, like he felt guilty for promising it a head-whacking and then having to take it all back. He extended the oar to Tom.
    “Here,” he said, and sighed. He hoisted Tom aboard, and Gark came next.
    “I’m hereby commandeering this soaping vessel in the name of the king,” Gark said, “effective immediately! Bear us to port, where we may thence to the castle!”
    The oarsman looked at his would-be-murdering oar as if to say,
Get a load of this guy
.
    “Listen,” the bucket man said, “we got a job to do here. You’ll go in with us when we go in to refill, and that’s it.”
    “Oh,” Gark