Deep Surrendering (Episode Two) Read Online Free Page B

been trying to warn you that I’m not the guy you think I am. I told you that I’ve done things that would disgust you. Would disgust most people, and the people that wouldn’t be disgusted aren’t people you would ever want to know or encounter.” There he went again. Talking about how damaged and fucked up he was. The song was getting old. I’d heard it too many times.
    “You know, you’ve been saying that, yet you haven’t even given me a chance. How about you tell me one thing and then judge? Can you do that for me?” Fin sat with his back to me and I scooted down to the edge of the bed so I could sit next to him.
    How was it that he could have sex with me, but he couldn’t talk to me?
    “I pay for sex.”
    I waited for there to be more. “That’s it?”
    He turned toward me and his expression shifted to one of anger. “’That’s it?’ Marisol, are you being serious with me?”
    “Well, I mean, I’m sure you’re not the first guy who’s done it.” And he wouldn’t be the last. They said it was the world’s oldest profession. Distantly, I wondered if the girl from last night was one of those.
    Fin searched my eyes, as if I was joking with him. Sure, the idea of him paying for a prostitute didn’t make me jump for joy, but it wasn’t the worst thing in the world, though it did make me wonder what else he didn’t want to tell me.
    “Don’t you want to know how many? Places? What I did with them? Whether I used protection? Whether I have any diseases?” Fin fired the questions at me like an interrogation.
    I swallowed a few times. I hadn’t really thought about that, but I would have eventually. “Okay, tell me. How many? Where? What did you do? Did you wear a condom? Have you been tested?” I volleyed the questions back at him.
    “I’ve lost count. They’re all written down, though. Mostly in other countries where there are fewer regulations and prostitutes are a lot easier to find. I did everything to them. I fucked them. I tied them up. I hit them. I dominated them. I had them any way that suited me, whenever it suited me. I didn’t always use protection, but I visit a clinic every month and get tested for anything and everything. I have the current results in my office if you’d like to see them.”
    That was so much information at once that my brain couldn’t process it. Fin let me sit and think for a few minutes.
    Hookers. He’d been with hookers. And he hadn’t just been with them. He’d done things with them that I could only imagine. He didn’t need to go into details for me to figure it out. I had an imagination. And he hadn’t always been careful?
    Thank God we’d used a condom.
    “So. What do you think now?” Fin said, his voice sharp.
    “I think . . . I think that I probably shouldn’t have just had sex with you.”
    I could feel Fin pulling away from me and getting ready to bail again.
    “BUT. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to see you again. You’re these two people, Fin. I’m sure you’re aware of that. You play two different parts in life, and I’m attracted to both of those parts. One of them scares me, but I can deal with that fear. I think, deep down, that you want me to throw you out, because it’s so much easier that way. Then you don’t have to let me in.” I touched his shoulder and he flinched, which basically proved my point.
    Someone in his life had hurt him. He’d closed off his heart to outsiders. He’d put up walls and done things to keep people out. It had worked for him for years, but I didn’t give up so easily. Like he said, I was impatient. And stubborn.
    “But if I let you in and showed you everything, you’d leave. And then I’d be left with a bleeding heart and no way to recover. I’ve seen what broken hearts can do to people. There’s almost nothing worse, because there’s no cure.”
    “No,” I agreed. “But you can heal. And what is the point of life if you don’t have love in it?” Granted, I didn’t have a