Diary of a Dork - Articles of Sarcasm and Irreverence Read Online Free Page A

all over the balcony.

I was so amazed by everything that I almost forgot to pull one off
over Diana.

Justin Bieber at the Apollo . I totally love this guy. He is
pure talent and he is a good, Christian role model for kids. Whilst
they are all out drinking cider and having crap sex under the
see-saw in the local park the Bieberster is making a cup of tea for
his mum so they can both sit down and watch Santa Barbara whilst
discussing who shot JR. Bieber knows JR was an a-hole but he
doesn't ever say that sort of thing in front of his mum. In fact he
wouldn't ever say it because he is a good Christian boy.

I rung up his record label and asked if they could send me a vinyl
copy of his work. The person I spoke to was some young wise-ass who
barely even knew what I was talking about. I was so angry that I
farted down the phone at him and hung up. It turns out he aint
released anything on vinyl so I had to suck it up and get the
CD.

To make up for having to listen to a CD I gave my cables an extra
polishing. And it wasn't no cheap polish either but the good stuff
that usually only gets used for special occasions. I also arranged
some mirrors so that all the acoustic warmth gets reflected back to
the source.

5 hours later and I was ready. And for the love of Pete and his
hairy dragon chin was it good! Boy Bieber sounded FANTASTIC!
Throughout the course of the album I got to know the little shit
all over again and, no word of a lie, every time I closed my eyes
it was like the little fucker was right there in the room with me!
NO JOKE. Every time he sung a chorus I was right there with him,
flying around his vocal chords like a flying thing. I could hear
everything and I swear I could even hear his balls dropping a
little bit during the last song.
    *****

Culture

    Wotcha to my
fellow Brits, hej to the Swedes, bonjour to the French and tag to
the Krauts. I wanted to include other languages in this greeting
but the online translator I was using only allows three
translations a day unless you subscribe.

I feel it is time that us Brits and Europeans make a stand for
ourselves and show the Yanks what we are all about. There are only
so many news articles about guns, republicans and gun-carrying
republican cops that I can put up with before I put on my clogs,
straighten my beret and eat a corned beef sandwich. So, in an
effort to show off how cultured Europe is here are some things that
the Yanks would be jealous of if they actually bothered to get a
passport and visit us.

Morris Dancers - An ancient British tradition dating back to 500BC
(Americans take note - no that date isn't wrong, the world existed
long before 1776) where a bunch of hairy-chested and manly men who
were very masculine performed deadly rituals and swung dangerous
weapons around in front of a big fire. They might not look like
much but just look at the outfits - the white clothes point to a
solid scientific background and those bells are made from sharks
teeth.

NHS Dentistry - An idea that Prime Minister Obama is currently
trying to steal from us. You have all seen that Simpsons episode
where Lisa goes to the dentist and gets those braces with a cage
over her head, right? EVERY SINGLE BRIT HAS THOSE FROM BIRTH. It
means if we ever went to war we could just close down all our
weapons factories and headbutt the enemy soldiers to death. Eating
tends to be a problem though which is why so many British teenagers
look so malnourished.

IKEA - A small Swedish shop that sells high-quality bath taps. It
doesn't sound like much but the taps are made out of recycled dog
poo and, as us Brits are a nation of animal lovers, there is an
almost infinite supply of the stuff for the Swedes to buy. IKEA is
raking in the money now and the mighty unelected EU bureaucratic
diplomatic machine will be slapping them with a 98% tax rate any
day now and passing the money onto feckless Greek banks. It's all
the German's fault y'know.

    BMW - The world's
largest manufacturer of over-sized