Eager to Love Read Online Free Page B

YOURSELF
     

Chapter 5
     
    “This is it,” Ashley said, putting her truck
into park in front of a pale blue house off Highland Road.
    In the passenger’s seat, I wrung my hands and
stared at the front door, my stomach twisting into a knot.
    Ashley picked up on my discomfort, like any
good friend would. “You want me to come in?”
    I shook my head. “No, that’s all right. I
think I need to do this alone.”
    I looked at her, and there was concern in her
eyes. “You sure?” she asked.
    I nodded. “I don’t want to outnumber
her.”
    “Good idea.”
    “I don’t know how long I’ll be. It might be a
while.”
    “I’ve got Fruit Ninja,” Ashley said,
smiling.
    “Thanks, Ash. I appreciate it.”
    I pulled the handle on the door, stepped down
out of Ashley’s comically large Ford F-250, and started the long
trek to that foreboding front door. I closed my eyes and forced my
breathing to steady. The hot and heavy September air wrapped around
me.
    Far too soon, I reached the porch and had no
more steps to take. I looked up at the door, which had long ago
been painted black and was now peeling and flaking. I glanced back
at Ashley’s truck.
    I considered bailing. The situation went so
against my personality. Here I was, about to knock on a stranger’s
door and force them to talk about something that was painful to
them. Something that they probably wish they could leave behind. I
thought about how I would feel if someone knocked on my door and
wanted to chat about Caleb’s death. I would feel intruded upon,
violated, invaded. Especially if they were a stranger.
    I’d spent the last few months tracking this
woman down, though. It seemed like a waste to turn back at this
late hour, but… I was shaking. In spite of the Louisiana heat, my
hands were shivering. I clutched them together.
    I realized I shouldn’t be doing this. It was
rude, and it was wrong. I thought of Marty’s floundering attempts
at conversation and I knew that I was about to put my foot in my
mouth in exactly the same way.
    I almost turned to leave when the door
suddenly creaked open, and a tired-looking Asian woman opened the
door. She had keys in her hand, and it was clear she was intending
to go out. She looked surprised to see me.
    “Oh,” she said. “Hello. Can I help you?”
    She was very pretty, and for an awful moment,
I couldn’t think of anything to say.
    “I, uh. I’m so sorry. I was just…” I extended
a hand. “I’m Caitlyn Seager.”
    The woman stared at me for a beat, then
looked down at my outstretched hand. Instead of taking it, she
immediately broke down weeping.
    This. Was. Awful. Worse than I could have
ever predicted.
    The woman bawled openly, her hands over her
face.
    “I’m really sorry,” I said. “I just… I had to
see you.”
    “No,” the woman said, gathering herself
together. She sniffed and wiped at her eyes. “I should be
apologizing. I’m such a wreck. Please, come in.”
    “Are you sure?” I said. “You look like you
were just leaving.”
    “Just errands. I can do them later.” She
extended a hand herself, and I took it gratefully. “Ana,” she said.
“It’s good to finally meet you, Caitlyn.”
    Ana Nguyen had been my brother’s girlfriend
all the way up to a couple of weeks before his death. They had met
each other in undergrad and dated for almost two years.
    “I know why you’re here,” Ana said after we
were seated at her kitchen table, she with a glass of orange juice
and me with ice water. “You want to know if he was depressed.”
    I nodded, feeling guilty.
    She shook her head. “He wasn’t. If anyone
was, it was me. Did he ever tell you why we broke up?”
    It was my turn to do the head shaking.
    She sighed and drank half her orange juice in
one long, delaying gulp. “I thought he was cheating on me. He
wasn’t—I’m convinced of that now—but at the time… I don’t know. I
was a stressed-out, insecure grad student. And he just seemed to be
‘busy in the lab’