Family Squeeze Read Online Free Page B

teenage boys. Not a single one of the boys minded. Nor did she.
    When our children were small, we used to pray, “Lord, please help them sleep through the night.” Now that they’re teenagers, we can’t get them to wake up. They are in their prime sleeping years. Jeff recently returned from a week at Bible camp, and he slept a full twenty-three hours in a row, weary from memorizing Scripture. “That’s not sleeping,” I told Ramona. “That’s a coma.”
    Girls began e-mailing. I told him to give out his new e-mail address: [email protected].
    The other day he came through the door and said, “Dad, I’m thinking of getting an earring. Maybe some tattoos.”
    “That’s quite a coincidence,” I said, slowly hiking the cuffs of my pants. “I was thinking of having all my pants hemmed just below the knees. And getting a T-shirt that says, ‘I’m Jeff Callaway’s dad.’“
    He laughed so hard he forgot about the earring.
    Somewhere within this illustration lies the key to retaining your sanity during the Middle Ages. Five keys, actually. But before we get to them, let me explain that I suffer from ADD and have always written short chapters. So feel free to set the book down and put on a pot of coffee before you turn the page.
    Or you may want to find a teenager to read the list at the beginning of this chapter aloud to you. Just remember to take your heart medication first.

If you want to recapture your youth,
just cut off his allowance
.
    A L B ERNSTEIN
    P eople ask if I really have ADD, and I say, “Sorry, could you repeat that? I got distracted.” The truth is, I’ve always had trouble paying attention. Except when our children’s friends come over. I pay very close attention when they take to looting and pillaging our pantry like locusts. “Hey!” I ask, “What do you think this is? A buffet?”
    They smile and laugh and help themselves to more cereal.
    That’s the trouble with making a living as a funny guy. They think I’m kidding.
    I smelled something out of the ordinary one night about 11:30 p.m., slipped on my housecoat, and found a neighbor boy in our kitchen frying up a steak I had paid good money for. My son had fallen asleep on the sofa. I asked the neighbor boy if he wanted my wallet, seeing as we were out of potatoes and he might need some. He said, “Sure.” Expecting a teenager to limit himself to six meals a day is as naive as listening for something original in an echo.
    But all in all, it’s not so bad. The squinty-eyed prophets in the grocery store programmed me to believe that the worst is yet to come. That amid the rebellion and horror of the teen years, I will lose my sense of humor, my dignity, my wallet, and my hair. They were wrong about the first two. Oh sure, we’ve had our moments of fear and uncertainty. We’ve shed some tears, bought some Tylenol, and lost some sleep.
    But five keys keep us thriving in a period of life when so many are just surviving. I’ll lay them out over the next two chapters, using the acronym TEENS to tell you what they are.
1. Try Laughter
    Everyday life can be deadly serious for a teenager. Take, for instance, the following scenario:
    Monday
. A gorgeous girl named Madison winks at you, and your heart goes
ka-blam!
She says she is thinking of marriage, but you may not be ready for such a commitment. Not before Saturday.
    Tuesday
You realize that Madison was really winking at your best friend, and you want to plunge off a cliff in despair.
    Wednesday
You score a touchdown in front of a thousand screaming peers! Madison is there! Too bad you were running the wrong way!
    Thursday
. You start talking to Olivia—the girl who was standing behind Madison when she winked at your best friend—and after a deep conversation that lasts six or seven minutes, things appear to be getting serious. So serious she wants you as a friend on Facebook, and you decide to buy a ring on eBay.
    Friday
. Your mother tells you that Olivia is your first cousin,