MASH 14 MASH goes to Moscow Read Online Free Page B

the Chairman of the Soviet Joint Chiefs of Staff said. “Get to the point, comrade.”
    “And what is the last refuge of a scoundrel?” the Commissar of Secret Police asked, just as smugly.
    “Beats me,” the Chairman said! “Will you get to the bottom line?”
    “I think my distinguished colleague is on to something,” the Commissar of Foreign Affairs said.
    “The last refuge of a scoundrel is patriotism,” the Commissar of Secret Police said. “We’ll get to him through his patriotism.”
    “His patriotism?’’ the Chairman barked. “I told you what he said to me! How can you be patriotic and say something like that to your beloved Chairman?”
    “I believe, Comrade Chairman,” the Commissar of Foreign Relations said, “that what my distinguished colleague is suggesting is that we appeal to What’s-his-name’s patriotism to the United States.”
    “You’ve got it, Oscar,” the Commissar of Secret Police said. “We get to him through Washington.”
    There was a moment’s silence as the idea was considered by all present. Finally, the Chairman spoke.
    “Why not?” he said. “God knows, the Americans believe anything we tell them. I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. You, Comrade Chairman of the Soviet Joint Chiefs of Staff—you start moving some divisions around in East Germany and Poland. Make sure you make a lot of noise.”
    “Immediately, Comrade Chairman,” the Chairman of the Soviet Joint Chiefs of Staff said.
    “And you, Comrade Commissar of Feminine Affairs, you mobilize some East German women and have them start throwing rocks over the Berlin Wall.”
    “Every time we do that, let the East German women get close to the Berlin Wall, Comrade Chairman, we lose some,” the Commissar of Feminine Affairs said. “They—excuse the expression—defect.”
    “Well, make sure they don’t!” the Chairman snapped. “Put some tanks between them and the wall. Do what you have to, but make some noise at the wall. You understand me?”
    “Perfectly, Comrade Chairman,” she said.
    “And you, Comrade Commissar of Foreign Relations —you get on a plane and get to the United Nations. Give them a speech, no holds barred, a real spellbinder. You might try banging your shoe on the desk. When Old Khrushchev did that, it worked like a charm!”
    “I understand perfectly, Comrade Chairman,” the Commissar of Foreign Relations said.
    “And you, Comrade Commissar of the Secret Police—you let it leak right away that we’re really angry, but willing to negotiate. Pass it through the Swedes. They’re always willing to cooperate.”
    “I’ll get right on it, Comrade Chairman.”
    “Then Old Walnut …” the Chairman began.
    “Excuse me, Comrade Chairman,” the Commissar of Foreign Relations said, “that’s Old Peanut.”
    “Peanut, Walnut—whatever. Anyway, he’ll ask you down to the White House to see what’s bothering us. Keep him dangling awhile, of course, and then tell him. He’ll be so relieved that he’ll let us have this What’s-his- name for as long as we like, and there will be none of this giving back the Bolshoi Theatre nonsense, either.”
    “Comrade Chairman,” the Commissar of Feminine Affairs said, “you’re a genius!”
    “I know, I know,” he said, smiling at all of them.

Chapter Three
    The subject of the emergency conference of the Supreme Executive Committee of the Supreme Soviet, Boris Alexandrovich Korsky-Rimsakov, dressed in the costume in which he was about to sing the role of Don Carlo in a matinee magnifique * of Verdi’s La forza del destino (The Force of Destiny) at the French National Opera House, set the telephone down in his dressing room and turned to his close companion, His Royal Highness Sheikh Hassan ad Kayam .
    (* There are two interrelated differences between a matinee magnifique and a matinee ordinaire at the French National Opera, Paris. Whenever Maestro Korsky-Rimsakov sings, the production is considered to be a matinee magnifique .