Tanya Tania Read Online Free Page B

waist, the sky and sea whirling. But we stopped going to the sea. I don’t know why. Sometimes I think my father doesn’t recognize me when he looks up from his morning tea and sees me at the breakfast table.
    During the monsoons, I like to ask Salim Bhai to drive down that road on my way home from school, even though it is not on the way at all. He parks near the beach and switches off the engine and we sit there, the rain like a drum on the roof of the car. The windows become opaque and disappear. The sand and the sea merge. I sometimes think this must be what taking a drug is like. To be violently distracted. To not exist momentarily.
    You think I am not cool but I am. I always have been but it’s only because of my golden hair and white skin which is not even mine, it’s my mother’s. It’s much worse than not being cool because you’re plagued by thoughts of how you should be a lot cooler given the deadly ammunition of being white in brown people land but at the same time, you are terrified of waking up one day looking as ordinary as you actually are inside.
    People think I’m pretty because when I play hockey my face flushes. My hair shines in the sun. Boys have crushes on me because of it. I just feel hot and silly. As if I’m watching it happen to someone else. Is it not better to be poor but have a space in the world that’s meant exactly for you?
    You don’t have to tell me it’s pathetic. I have never been this way. I just need to get out of here so badly. I have nightmares of not getting into college in America and I have nightmares of not getting a full scholarship. I can’t afford to go otherwise. Do you understand that kind of pressure? How can you.
    I know what people say about hormones and teenagers. But what if it’s not hormones? What if we are only just realizing that this is how the world is and that’s it, we have to live in it? Half the time I want to stop feeling the things I feel and half the time I’m terrified of what will replace them when I grow up. Of becoming one of the people I see around me, ambling along, blind and deaf to everything that is wrong, everything that can’t be explained, everything that is bad and hurts.
    Nusrat’s story makes her place in the world so very clear. I don’t know my place in the world. And I’ve never understood whether that’s because of me or because of the world.
    Best,
    Tanya

    June 15, 1991
    Bombay
    Dear Tanya,
    Dude, that was super intense. Nusrat says to tell you she thinks you’re a good writer. I think your sentences are too short and not like pretty. Don’t get mad, I’m just being honest.
    But I have something super, super important to tell you! Like the most important thing ever! Arjun gave me a ring! Like a real ring! I think it’s made of gold. It’s got a big diamond. He said it’s like a pre-engagement ring because he wants to spend his whole life with me. It was super romantic. We were in his car and it was late at night and it was raining and we were like hugging in the backseat (I had quite a lot of my clothes on) and he just took it out and gave it to me and I started crying and I think even he teared up although I couldn’t tell because he’s going through this phase where he wears sunglasses all the time. It is the most romantic thing that has ever happened to me.
    I have to hide it from my parents because they’d flip out. And I can’t wear it to school because rings are not allowed which really sucks because I’m dying to like literally rub it in everyone’s face but I can’t because he made me promise not to show it to anyone. Haha, he may have stolen it.
    Do you think we’re like engaged?
    I’m going to post this right away so you’ll get it faster.
    Love,
    Tania Malhotra nee Ghosh
    PS—Do you think we should meet before I get married?

    June 26, 1991
    Bombay
    Dear Tanya,
    I told you Nusrat