The Berserker and the Pedant Read Online Free Page A

tolerable temperature, we're neither too cold nor too hot. We're neither being rained on nor battered by a too hot sun. I hear no foes seeking to skewer us, and we've camped here safely through the night unmolested. Coffee necessitates fire, which will provide light, with which we can learn where we are while we brew our coffee. Shall we put this plan into action?"
    Pellonia could think of no argument against, so Gurken picked up Arthur with one hand and shook him awake.
    "What? No, please don't kill me! I didn't even say anything this time!" pleaded Arthur.
    Gurken chuckled. "Wizard, we need fire. Can you magic us one?"
    "Can… you… magic us one? Really, that's how you ask?" asked Arthur, plainly irritated at the rough treatment.
    "Can you… magic us one… please?" Gurken said, confused.
    "When one requests an invocation from a wizard, one ought deliver the request with decorum and respect. 'Esteemed wizard, we are in urgent need of a fire; perchance you might conjure one for us?'"
    "Perchance you might conjure one for us?" Gurken asked, this time with irritation in his voice.
    "Right, then. I'll still need some wood."
    Gurken fished around in his pack and brought out some kindling which he handed to Arthur. A few moments later there was a mystical sound eerily reminiscent of flint and steel clicking together, a sorcerous crackle as dry weeds curled in the sudden heat and a warm arcane orange glow that washed over Arthur's face.
    "Presto flame-o, fire! Tuh duh!"
    Pellonia looked askance at Arthur, one eyebrow raised, a flat expression on her face, as if to say "No one could possibly believe that was magic."
    "Well done, wizard!" Gurken declared, rummaging around for his pot and beans. Pellonia shrugged.
    Arthur looked around the chamber. It was tall and unfinished, an area of earth hollowed out by the ants for some purpose, perhaps to store food, making it a larder, to grow food, making it a sort of greenhouse, or a spot for prisoners, placing them, once more, in a dungeon. A tunnel led away from them, out of the room and into the darkness. Pellonia, facing Arthur, slowly lifted her gaze above his head, then moved her head up and up and up.
    "Don't… move… an inch," Pellonia said.
    Arthur looked behind him, moving rather farther than one inch, and saw a pile of eggs resembling dirty leather sleep sacks towering over him. Ah! It was a nursery then. Oh good… On the ground next to the fire, an ant the size of a kitten fell from one of the eggs in a purplish goo. It stood up, shaking itself off and scurried over to Arthur, nudging him with fierce pincers lined with razor-sharp teeth. It ticked hungrily at his flesh.
    "No, no no. Shoo. Scat, go away!" Arthur brushed the ant away with the sleeve of his silken robe. It came scurrying back, its clicking sounds quickening, pincers menacing the nervous wizard.
    "I said, don't move," hissed Pellonia. She pulled a salted fish out of Gurken's pack and handed it to Arthur.
    "Thank you, I am rather famished, but I don't think I'll be eating just now."
    "It's not for you," she snapped. "Give it to the ant!" She pointed towards the insect.
    Arthur handed the fish to the ant, which tore into it with the glee of a rabid creature enjoying a meal. After devouring the sardine, it scurried into Arthur's lap, curled into a little ball and fell asleep. Arthur tentatively pet the little critter; it was not all hard carapace as he had expected - there were little soft tufts of hair protruding from various places. Its pinchers flexed in pleasure and it gave out a series of soft clicks as he stroked its soft fur.
    "D'awww," Pellonia purred, clasping her hands near her face and fluttering her eyelashes. "He likes you!"
    A loud shriek pierced the air. Pellonia, Arthur and the ant jumped up, ready to flee should conditions require it.
    "Coffee's ready!" shouted Gurken with pleasure, taking the pot off the fire and pouring out a mug's worth for each of them, hardly singeing his fingers in the