The New Male Sexuality Read Online Free Page A

the sexes. There certainly are.Nature had different purposes in mind for males and females and programmed them accordingly. Nonetheless, the training given to boys and girls is strikingly different and has an important influence. While we may not be able totally to undo a genetic disposition, we can shape it to some extent. It is probably true, for instance, that males are genetically more aggressive than females, but how frequentlyand in what ways aggressiveness is manifested are significantly influenced by societal messages boys and men get about it.
    Little boys present a huge problem for all societies, because the societies don’t want men to be like these boys. The question is how to make these open, expressive boys who wear their vulnerabilities and fears on their sleeves into strong, decisive performers who will be able to do whatever the society deems manly. We may think it’s cute for a young boy to say, trembling, “I’m scared a monster is gonna get me,” but we don’t want a twenty-or thirty-year-old to act that way. Instead, we want him to deny his fear (“Monsters don’t scare me !”) and announce he’s going to kick some monster ass.
    Training in masculinity begins as soon as the child is born and continues for the rest of his life. By the age of six or seven, important lessons have already taken hold. An image of this process comes from a scene in a recent novel about a shooting at an elementary school. There was the usual mass confusion, shots, and a dead body being carried out; in short, a trauma. How did the kids react? A“little girl burst into tears. A chubby boy, five or six, cried. The boy next to him was older, maybe eight. Staring straight ahead and biting his lip, straining for macho.” Between the ages of five and eight, he has learned lessons about being male. He will not cry, maybe never again. Nor will he show fear or dependency or tenderness, and he may not even be able to ask for directions when he’s lost. He will lose his ability not only to show feelings, but also to experience and know them. He won’t understand why his girlfriend or wife just wants to cuddle, to hear his fears and express hers, simply to talk.
    You can see the results of men’s training everywhere, and such examples serve to reinforce the training for all men who observe. One football-highlights TV show I saw in the fall of 1990 focused on New York Giants coach Bill Parcells, who coached his team that Sunday despite suffering from painful kidney stones. (The very fact of working while in great pain itself conveys a powerful message regarding what a man is.) As Parcells talked to reporters after the game, his discomfort was obvious. A reporter yelled out, “How do you feel, Bill?” Since it was apparent how he felt, all that was required was that he give a few words to his pain. But his response was this: “I’m going into the hospital tomorrow morning and I’ll probably be there a day or two.” Feelings? What’s that? The message that men watching the show will take away is as clear as the pain that Parcells felt but couldn’t put into words.
    An important ingredient of the socialization of boys is the message “Don’t be like a girl.” Since females of all ages are the softer ones—thepeople who express feelings, who cry, who are more people-oriented—not being like them is an effective way to suppress the softer side of males. Girls and women are allowed far greater leeway. Tomboy has nowhere near the derogatory punch of girl or sissy . Girls can participate in boys’ games, play with boys’ toys, wear boys’ clothes. But can you imagine what others will call a boy after the age of four or five who wears a dress or plays house or with dolls?
    The primary focus of males and females is very different. Connection to others is the name of the game for females of all ages, even in their play. Dolls (the typical plaything of girls) are more conducive to intimacy training than the toy trucks and