not,â I said. I fingered the yellow daisy on my blazer lapel. âI love flowers, sir. Everyone knows that about me. Iâm planting a flower garden, and Iâm naming it after you, sir. The Upchuck Garden.â
Was he buying it? No.
He stared at the daisy on my jacket. âItâs a squirting flower. I know it is,â he muttered.
âNo way,â I insisted.
â No hablo inglés !â Belzer said again.
Headmaster Upchuck stepped forward. He reached out to squeeze my flower.
I was too fast for him. I backed away. But, whoaâ! Look out ! I tripped over Gassy. A gusher of water sprayed from the dogâs buttâ and hit Upchuck right between the eyes!
âUhâ¦I can explain that, sir,â I said.
âNO, YOU CANâT!â he screamed. He wiped water from his face. âBernie, I know how to take care of you and your pals! Youâre doomed. DOOMED!â
âSurely you donât mean that, sir,â I said. âWe all know you have a great sense of humor. You can take a jokeâright?â
âHa-ha-ha,â Upchuck said. âIâm going to be laughing, okay. Iâm going to be laughing when you get your new teacher! Ha-ha-ha.â
He turned and started down the stairs. And thatâs when the second water balloon fell from the ceiling.
It plopped onto his head, flattened him to the stairs, and drenched him under a foot of cold water. The poor little guy was kicking and sputtering and swearing and swimming for his life.
I bent down to help him up. âI can explain, sir,â I said.
But even the great Bernie B. couldnât talk his way out of this one.
And the next day, Headmaster Upchuck had his revenge. Mr. Skruloose, The Teacher from Heck, appearedâ¦.
Chapter 10
âY OU S TUDENTS A RE L UCKY !â
So, Headmaster Upchuck sent Mrs. Heinie to the girlsâ dorm to be their dorm mother instead of ours. And he took her away from us fourth graders and made her a sixth-grade teacher.
And now Mr. Skruloose stood at the front of our class. He stood stiff as a broom with his big chest ballooning out of his school blazer. âListen up, soldiers!â he bellowed, so loudly the windows rattled.
âI taught in the toughest military schools in the country,â he said. âAnd Iâm gonna whip you recruits into shapeâif I have to break every one of you!âSkruloose picked up a wooden yardstick and broke it over one knee.
âSTOP STARING AT ME!â Skruloose screamed. âI donât like to be stared at, soldiers. Eyes straight ahead at all times.â
I shut my eyes. This is all a dream , I thought. Iâm gonna pinch myself, wake up, and Mrs. Heinie will be back.
I pinched myself. Then I opened my eyes.
Mr. Skruloose was scowling at me. âDid you just take a nap, soldier? I saw your eyes close.â
âUhâ¦no, sir!â I cried.
This dude canât be serious, I told myself. Heâll lighten up. I know he will.
Near the front of the room, I saw Billy the Brain take out his laptop. He set it on his desk and opened it.
Uh-oh, I thought. Did Billy forget something important about his laptop?
Billy pressed a key on the laptop. A stream of water shot out and sprayed April-May June in the face. She let out a startled scream and fell off her chair.
Yes, Billy did forget something. He forgot he turned his laptop into a squirt gun!
And now Mr. Skruloose stood over him, glaring down at the laptop.
âItâs a keyboard problem,â Billy said. âI have to call the help line after class.â
Nice try, Brain.
âYou need all the help you can get, soldier,â Skruloose boomed. âWhy donât you drop down to the floor. Letâs see how many push-ups you can do in an hour.â
âAn hour?â Billy gasped. âButthatâs sixty minutes!â
I told you he was a brain.
With a sigh, Billy started to lower himself to the floor. But he bumped