The Worst Romance Novel Ever Written Read Online Free Page B
Author: H. M. Mann
on YouTube. There’s his brother HARRY trying the same maneuver and rolling out of control into the path of two speeding cars, one a taxi driven by ERNIE, the other a police car driven by BERT. GEORGE pushes HARRY out of the path of both cars, but BERT’s police cruiser hammers GEORGE into unconsciousness. Close-up of blood on the bumper. Standard “Is he dead or just faking it so he can sue me, the department, the state, and the country?” speech by BERT. Ten seconds will pass before a friend uploads the entire event to YouTube, where it will be famous for about a minute.
Thirty-four minutes pass until the ambulance arrives.
GEORGE will spend a year in the hospital recovering from his injuries and will be deaf in his left ear for the rest of his life. A judge will throw out the lawsuit MA BAILEY files against the known universe since GEORGE had been committing a misdemeanor at the time.
Here we are in 2005. GEORGE works for OLD MAN GOWER in a rundown pharmacy about to put out of business by the CVS Corporation. GOWER’s pharmacy, however, is really a front for an Oxycontin-dealing operation. GEORGE is GOWER’s delivery boy and discovers before a delivery to the Diphtheria gang that GOWER has laced the Oxycontin accidentally with strychnine instead of Johnson’s Baby Powder. GOWER beats the brakes off GEORGE, puncturing GEORGE’s right eardrum, but GOWER shouts “Thank you, George Bailey!” at the top of his lungs anyway.
GEORGE only blinks because he is now essentially deaf.
Here we are in 2011. GEORGE attends HARRY’s graduation party. GEORGE dances with MARY, fresh from her third try at rehab. MARY is drunk and thinks colors are speaking Portuguese to her and that Tony the Tiger is real and even kind of handsome when you look at him sideways. MARY doesn’t notice that GEORGE is the biggest dork at the party and finds GEORGE strangely attractive, though he reminds her of a buck-toothed donkey. GEORGE and MARY throw themselves from the stage into the crowd, but no one catches them. Others quickly jump on them, beating them into the floor. MARY loses both of her contacts and then thinks GEORGE looks like a young George Clooney.
On the way home, GEORGE and MARY sing “Buffalo Gals,” the “new” profanity-laced, female-demeaning rap song (sure to win a Grammy) climbing the charts, and then vandalize a condemned mansion. GEORGE spray-paints a moon on a wall for no apparent reason. MARY, who is still tipsy, does a little streaking, which GEORGE thinks is “very interesting” because this isn’t the 1970s. GEORGE later joins MARY in the hydrangea bushes for a little serious necking. GEORGE gets a rash.
The year is 2018. GEORGE is running from the law after UNCLE BILLY has stolen $500,000 from the Bailey Building and Loan to pay off a loan shark in Las Vegas. GEORGE goes to the evil Henry POTTER, Harry Potter’s real father, and begs for help. POTTER tells GEORGE that the building and loan isn’t on the list to be bailed out by the government, that GEORGE is worth more dead than alive, and that nobody really ever liked him because he was such a foolish dork for staying in Bedford Falls instead of traveling the world and becoming an architectural engineer and bridge builder.
So GEORGE leaps off a bridge and dies. On the way down he wonders if he could have built a better bridge.
Johnny sat back from his laptop and sighed. Though his remake had merit, it didn’t have that certain extra “something” Hollywood was looking for. He had the obligatory blood, romance, and violence. He had the incredible string of “true-to-life” coincidences. He even had the slam-bang, ironic ending for folks wearing black turtlenecks to discuss afterwards over foul-smelling wine and stinky cheese.
Johnny put his only attempt at a screenplay in the “Garbage” file and did some thinking. He did this every so often when he wasn’t too busy avoiding life. He eventually thought, of all things, about something his
Thirty-four minutes pass until the ambulance arrives.
GEORGE will spend a year in the hospital recovering from his injuries and will be deaf in his left ear for the rest of his life. A judge will throw out the lawsuit MA BAILEY files against the known universe since GEORGE had been committing a misdemeanor at the time.
Here we are in 2005. GEORGE works for OLD MAN GOWER in a rundown pharmacy about to put out of business by the CVS Corporation. GOWER’s pharmacy, however, is really a front for an Oxycontin-dealing operation. GEORGE is GOWER’s delivery boy and discovers before a delivery to the Diphtheria gang that GOWER has laced the Oxycontin accidentally with strychnine instead of Johnson’s Baby Powder. GOWER beats the brakes off GEORGE, puncturing GEORGE’s right eardrum, but GOWER shouts “Thank you, George Bailey!” at the top of his lungs anyway.
GEORGE only blinks because he is now essentially deaf.
Here we are in 2011. GEORGE attends HARRY’s graduation party. GEORGE dances with MARY, fresh from her third try at rehab. MARY is drunk and thinks colors are speaking Portuguese to her and that Tony the Tiger is real and even kind of handsome when you look at him sideways. MARY doesn’t notice that GEORGE is the biggest dork at the party and finds GEORGE strangely attractive, though he reminds her of a buck-toothed donkey. GEORGE and MARY throw themselves from the stage into the crowd, but no one catches them. Others quickly jump on them, beating them into the floor. MARY loses both of her contacts and then thinks GEORGE looks like a young George Clooney.
On the way home, GEORGE and MARY sing “Buffalo Gals,” the “new” profanity-laced, female-demeaning rap song (sure to win a Grammy) climbing the charts, and then vandalize a condemned mansion. GEORGE spray-paints a moon on a wall for no apparent reason. MARY, who is still tipsy, does a little streaking, which GEORGE thinks is “very interesting” because this isn’t the 1970s. GEORGE later joins MARY in the hydrangea bushes for a little serious necking. GEORGE gets a rash.
The year is 2018. GEORGE is running from the law after UNCLE BILLY has stolen $500,000 from the Bailey Building and Loan to pay off a loan shark in Las Vegas. GEORGE goes to the evil Henry POTTER, Harry Potter’s real father, and begs for help. POTTER tells GEORGE that the building and loan isn’t on the list to be bailed out by the government, that GEORGE is worth more dead than alive, and that nobody really ever liked him because he was such a foolish dork for staying in Bedford Falls instead of traveling the world and becoming an architectural engineer and bridge builder.
So GEORGE leaps off a bridge and dies. On the way down he wonders if he could have built a better bridge.
Johnny sat back from his laptop and sighed. Though his remake had merit, it didn’t have that certain extra “something” Hollywood was looking for. He had the obligatory blood, romance, and violence. He had the incredible string of “true-to-life” coincidences. He even had the slam-bang, ironic ending for folks wearing black turtlenecks to discuss afterwards over foul-smelling wine and stinky cheese.
Johnny put his only attempt at a screenplay in the “Garbage” file and did some thinking. He did this every so often when he wasn’t too busy avoiding life. He eventually thought, of all things, about something his
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