You Might Be a Zombie . . . Read Online Free Page B

You Might Be a Zombie . . .
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and amiable again. Sound like anyone you know? Anyone incredible, perhaps? The Iroquois Indians affectionately nicknamed Washington Caunotaucarius, which translates to something like Town Destroyer or Devourer of Vil ages. We were really hoping it translated to One Who (When Angry) You will Not Like so we’d have more evidence for this whole Incredible Hulk thing, but Town Destroyer is pretty cool too, we guess.
    Washington wasn’t just a shirt-ripping comic book character waiting to happen, he was also an amazing general and, possibly, totally invincible.
    Washington was always at the front line in any of the many battles he took part in, and there are countless stories of Washington returning from battle with bul et holes in his uniform or without a horse (it having been shot out from under him), but he always remained unharmed. In a letter to his brother, he described being surrounded by bul ets and death and concluded by saying, “I heard the bul ets whistle and, believe me, there is something charming to the sound of bul ets.” When he caught news of this, George II reportedly remarked that Washington’s attitude would change if he heard a few more.
    Washington went on to hear hundreds more and to rout King George’s army in a war.
    Greatest display of badassery : Making America.
    1. THEODORE ROOSEVELT
    Checking Teddy Roosevelt’s resume is like reading a how-to guide on ass-kicking manliness. He was a cattle rancher, a deputy sheriff, an explorer, a police commissioner, assistant secretary of the navy, governor of New York, and a war hero. Out of all his jobs, hobbies, and passions, Roosevelt always had a special spot in his heart for unadulterated violence. In 1898, Roosevelt formed the First U.S. Volunteer Cavalry Regiment, known as the Rough Riders. Most people already know of the Rough Riders and their historic charge up San Juan Hil , but few know that, since their horses had to be left behind, the “riders” made this charge entirely on foot. You just could not stop this man from violencing the hel out of a San Juan Hil .
    And don’t think that Roosevelt lost his obsession with violence when he became president. He strol ed through the White House with a pistol on his person at all times, even though, with his black belt in jujitsu and his history as a champion boxer, it wasn’t like he needed it.
    It wasn’t just his war record or the fact that he knew several different ways to kil you that made Roosevelt such a badass. It wasn’t even the fact that he decorated the White House with African lions and a bear he’d personal y kil ed. Teddy Roosevelt was a badass of the people. Roosevelt received letters from army cavalrymen complaining about having to ride twenty-five miles a day for training and, in response, Teddy rode horseback for a hundred miles, from sunrise to sunset, at fifty-one years old, effectively rescinding anyone’s right to complain about anything, ever again.
    Did we mention he had asthma when growing up? He did, and after he beat asthma to death, he ate asthma’s raw flesh and ran a hundred straight miles off the energy it gave him.
    Greatest display of badassery : While campaigning for a third term, Roosevelt was shot by a madman and, instead of treating the wound, delivered his campaign speech with the bleeding, undressed bul et hole in his chest. At the time of Roosevelt’s death, a fel ow politician noted: “Death had to take him sleeping, for if Roosevelt had been awake there would have been a fight.”
    We have no witty commentary here. That is just straight-up badass.

FIVE FAMOUS ARTISTS WHO DIDN’T CREATE THEIR SIGNATURE CREATION
    A signature achievement is typically considered a stand-alone moment, epitomizing all that is worthwhile, unique, and memorable in one’s career, or at least a defining work that sets a standard in its field. For Hemingway, it was The Sun Also Rises , for Stanley Kubrick it was 2001 , and for Radiohead it was OK Computer (Shut up! It was OK
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