Clovenhoof Read Online Free Page B

foot is not a chew toy,” said Clovenhoof and was considering giving the creature a terminal kick in the ribs when Nerys re-entered.
    “Twinkle,” she admonished without rancour, “leave the nice man’s... shoes alone.”
    She smiled at Clovenhoof.
    “You’re very kind,” she said, “but you shouldn’t let him do that. It will lead him to bad habits.”
    The corner of Clovenhoof’s mouth twitched.
    “This is... all very nice, but I must be going,” he said.
    He placed his cup of tea on the table beside the chair, deliberately avoiding the doily coaster. He had stopped drinking it after discovering it had none of the potent qualities of Scrumpy Thunder.
    “No,” said Nerys, holding out her hands to keep him sat. “Not until you’re better.”
    “I’m fine,” he said. “I’ve spent long enough here already.”
    “You might have concussion. Do you feel nauseous?”
    “Constantly.”
    “How many fingers am I holding up?”
    “Three.”
    “What day is it?”
    “Friday?”
    “What’s your name?”
    He paused to remember.
    “Jeremy Clovenhoof,” he said.
    “Really?” she said. “I once had a boyfriend called Jeremy. I say boyfriend. It was a brief – but passionate! – affair. You know what I mean?”
    “No,” he said, bored.
    “Well, we split up. We had to. He told me, ‘It’s not you, it’s me.’ And I thought about that for a long time and you know what?”
    “What?”
    “He was right. It was him. It was all him.”
    “Yes?”
    “But for the record, today’s Tuesday and I was holding up two fingers; the thumb doesn’t count.”
    She put a hand on his head.
    “And you have a nasty bump on your head here,” she said.
    He moved her hand across his scalp.
    “I have two,” he said. “You might have noticed.”
    “So you do,” she said.
    “And, for the record,” he said, “two is not several.”
     
    Ben stopped outside the door to flat 3, checked his breath against his palm, smoothed down his hair and then did a whole body shake as he tried to build up the courage to knock.
    He had read YOU Can Be My Perfect Man in a single sitting and had spent much of the day at the shop re-reading key chapters and making notes. He had memorised the entirety of the ‘How to be spontaneous’ chapter and planned to follow its instructions to the letter. He had also committed to memory her hundred and thirty-seven rules for being the perfect gentleman. He had his handkerchief, wore a tie with his shirt, carried a hat in his hand (to show he had taken it off indoors) and was prepared to open as many doors and draw in as many dining chairs as his lady required.
    He knocked in a manner he hoped was manly yet polite and greeted Nerys with his best smile.
    “Oh,” she said. “It’s Ben, isn’t it?”
    “Good evening, Miss Thomas,” he said in the most refined tones. “Your hair does look lovely tonight.”
    “Er,” she said. “Thanks?”
    “I wasn’t planning to say that. It was just, you know... I just thought I’d say it.”
    “Right. Um.”
    She looked at him. Apparently, it was his turn to say something again. So soon? He had used up his opening lines and realised he hadn’t planned anything beyond this. The silence stretched out and sagged between them.
    She jerked a thumb over her shoulder.
    “I’ve, er, got company.”
    “We spoke earlier. On the stairs. I just came up, spontaneously like, and thought we could...”
    “You want to talk about-”
    “I mean if it’s inconvenient-”
    “I’m really thrilled you think-”
    “I don’t want to intrude.”
    “No,” she said, stepping back. “Come in, do.”
    Ben stepped into her flat, wondering if this was the moment when he should kiss her on the back of the hand. The opportunity hadn’t seemed to present itself.
    Her flat wasn’t as he had imagined it. From the tone of her book, he had imagined something like the parlour of an Edwardian lady but this room was more like a battle between old lady clichés and brash