Dave Trellis and the Allotments of Doom Read Online Free

happen right here in Huddersfield?
Everything seems like I’m watching a play. I feel like a cow on a
motorway.’
    ‘No lad, it’s
not real, you’re dreaming. Soon you’ll wake up back in your cosy,
warm pit.’
    ‘No need to be
sarcastic,’ said Fergus. His face was white.
    ‘You’re in
shock,’ said Dave, ‘Hang on a minute.’
    Dave
disappeared into the pavilion and returned with two heavy crystal
tumblers. He opened a bottle of whiskey, poured two large measures
and handed one to Fergus.
    ‘Sláinte, young
man, welcome to the allotments.’ Dave beamed at Fergus and took a
moderate sip of the whiskey.
    ‘Cheers,’ said
Fergus and downed the lot.
    ‘Hold hard
there, that’s 40 year old Irish whisky, give it a little respect.’
Dave opened the cigar box and offered it to Fergus, ‘Here, have a
cigar.’
    Fergus giggled,
‘Heh, ‘which one’s Pink’.’
    ‘The use of
song lyrics as part of civilised conversation is considered jejune
in this here neck of the woods. So as I was saying, would you care
for a cigar? It just so happens that they are my favourite brand
and offering you one is by way of thanking you for not bollixing it
all up back there… Actually, this is my favourite whiskey an all…
How the hell did it know...? Bugger me.’
    Fergus took a
cigar and Dave poured him another, less generous whiskey. A dog
trotted over, sat in front of Dave, and yowled.
    ‘Too bloody
right,’ said Dave, ‘But luck had nowt to do with it. The pen is
mightier than the sword.’
    The dog gave
short, low bark, almost a growl.
    ‘Oh aye? Like
the ones you spend all morning licking?’
    The dog grinned
then barked and yapped for a while.
    ‘Of course,’
said Dave and reached into his pocket. He pulled out the small
silver cylinder. One end still glowed red. He passed it to the dog,
which took it in its mouth and trotted off.
    ‘Now lad, are
you ok?’ asked Dave.
    ‘Not really,’
said Fergus, ‘All this… It’s real… It’s actually happening. I’m
awake and I’ve seen a 40 foot alien monster in Huddersfield.’
    ‘Off world
visitor,’ said Dave, ‘We don’t say alien – too emotive.’
    ‘Oh sorry,’
said Fergus, ‘how can you just sit there? We should call the police
or the army. The government needs to know about this. We need to
call someone. There are aliens, sorry, off world visitors, standing
on your lawn.’
    Dave
sighed.
    ‘Look lad, this
has been going on for a long time and it doesn’t hurt anyone. It
works. It may be amateur and disorganised, anarchy even, but it
works. So leave it alone, just stay calm, and carry on.’
    ‘How come
nobody knows?’ asked Fergus, ‘This is the biggest, most incredible
secret in the entire world. Surely some investigative journalist or
government department would find out.’
    ‘Firstly, the
government couldn’t find its own arsehole with both hands and a
hunting dog. Secondly, people do know, just like you. But as I said
lad, it works. We can’t come up with anything better, so we leave
it alone.’
    Fergus
nodded.
    ‘But why here,
why Huddersfield?’
    ‘Buggered if I
know,’ said Dave.
    Fergus smiled,
took a sip of whiskey, and gazed at the courtyard below. The
peaceful scenery, warm sunshine, and alcohol worked its magic. His
heart rate dropped, calm returned and the warm blanket of
acceptance wrapped its self around his troubled mind.
    ‘Here, can I
smell curry?’ asked Dave.
    ‘Possibly,’
said Fergus.
    ‘That’s how you
got past the dogs.’ Dave glowered at Fergus. ‘Who put you on to
that? Never mind, I just hope you didn’t give them too many. It’s
bad enough when they get take-away, but those blasted pastilles
cause havoc with the atmosphere round here. Mind you, it clears out
the sinuses and keeps the greenfly down.’
    But Fergus
wasn’t paying attention; he was watching the Palaver on the
lawn.
    They were
bouncing around and slapping each other on the back. Then Enoch
shouted something and the whole troop joined