I've Got Sand In All the Wrong Places Read Online Free

was saying yes to myself.
    At the end of the day, some people still liked me, some didn’t.
    Either way, I didn’t die.
    On the contrary, I started living—my own life.
    It was New for me, and definitely Improved.
    So here we are.
    If you used to call yourself Middle-Aged before, why don’t you join me?
    Let’s change history.
    Our own personal history.
    We’re all New-and-Improved!

 
    Love Match
    Lisa
    I don’t want to ruin your undoubtedly excellent opinion of me, but there’s something you should know.
    I watch The Bachelor .
    I confessed this to an author I know, and she said, “I get it, it’s your guilty pleasure.”
    But she was wrong.
    I don’t feel guilty about it, at all.
    In fact, I feel guilty if I miss it.
    I told another author that I watch The Bachelor, and she said, “I understand, you hate-watch it.”
    But she was wrong, too.
    I don’t hate-watch anything.
    If I hated something, I wouldn’t watch it.
    Just like food.
    As in, I hate liver, so I don’t eat it.
    Who hate-eats liver?
    Exactly.
    Nobody.
    So I don’t hate-watch The Bachelor , and on the contrary, I love-watch it.
    I love, love, love-watch it.
    Let’s be real, I know a lot of women love The Bachelor , but I’m not sure many of them are in my age range.
    New-and-Improved.
    But so what?
    You would think I’m supposed to be older and wiser, but age is giving me a perspective that there are no right answers, especially when it comes to love.
    After all, I did everything right, or at least what right used to be before TV entered the dating picture. I met Thing One and Thing Two, spent a lot of time getting to know them, fell in love, got married, and then got divorced.
    Who saw that coming?
    Not me.
    So who am I to say it’s crazy to meet your husband on a TV show?
    And even if you don’t, it’s fun for me to watch, and I love watching it.
    Why?
    People make out!
    For starters.
    In fact, as I’m writing this, the second episode just came on, and The Bachelor , an Iowa farmer named Chris, is about to go on a date with six women at once. And the women about to go on the date have just said, “I’ve never been this happy in my life,” “I love Chris and he’s amazing,” and “I feel so lucky to have my first date with my future husband!”
    Did I mention they have known him exactly one episode?
    Excluding commercials.
    But to be fair, it’s a two-hour show, so you have to factor that in.
    Like I said, I’m no expert, but maybe you should know someone for six episodes before you decide to marry him.
    Then Chris sent them a note that said, “Show me your country,” and the six women put on their bikinis.
    Wait, that came out wrong.
    And once the six women were properly dressed, they staged a tractor race in Los Angeles. The winner, Ashley, got to go on a date with Chris, which meant she sat on his lap and drank champagne while the other five women wished her dead.
    Then Chris asked out Mackenzie, while the other women watched and said he was “such a gentleman.”
    That, I didn’t agree with.
    A real gentleman waits until you’re out of the room to cheat on you.
    The leftover women felt sad. One was Tara, who got drunk, and said, “Tara always walks away empty-handed.”
    So now we know why she drinks.
    To fill up her hands.
    Though if you ask me, anyone who refers to themselves in the third person isn’t drinking enough.
    Chris took Mackenzie on a date and she told him she has a son and showed him a photo on her phone. Chris said her son is cute, and she said, “Chris has everything that I want in a guy and a father figure for my son.”
    You know what, that’s as good a test as any.
    Next, Chris flew on an airplane with Megan, but she didn’t know where they were going. Megan didn’t mind. She said, “I like a good mystery.”
    Yay!
    I write good