Life Is a Serious Business Read Online Free

alarm boxes outside
    the window ope
    and not inside, like he normally did.
    Don, the duct man, installs air conditioning systems.
    But you know he had worked so long in the industry
    things had started to go stale for him.
    He had had an opportunity to purchase a farm
    in County Meath
    and was waiting to hear from his bank for loan approval,
    bless his innocence.
    All he could think of was wide open spaces
    and inhaling the aroma of freshly mown hay.
    He did notice that the new air vent system he was installing
    was positioned nearer the window ope than normally
    but assumed there was a valid reason for it.
    Pete, the plasterer, was at work inside the window ope.
    He had an adept insight into the equestrian world
    and had had a most productive weekend across the water.
    He was far too polite to refuse his hosts hospitality
    and didn’t want to appear ungracious.
    But unfortunately he had overindulged a little,
    in the excitement of his good fortune.
    So what’s a little difference between the plaster depth
    on one side or the other?
    Bob, the bulkhead man, had just started an interior design course
    the previous weekend and had realised that he had a real
    talent for design.
    Now he knew that the architect had specified the height
    of the bulkhead
    Secretly Bob felt it was not the optimum height
    and thought it would be much more aesthetically pleasing
    if he were to drop the ceiling just a little more.
    My name is Assumpta and I address windows.
    Well I normally anticipate everything and assume nothing.
    In another occupation it would be called paranoia.
    But I had just found my creative side and was a little
    preoccupied that week.
    By Friday, Sammy had made up with his wife,
    Freddy was much more grounded,
    Alan had got his car fixed and was pleasantly surprised
    as to how reasonable the repair costs were.
    Don had got a favourable response from his bank.
    Pete had recovered his equilibrium
    and was back in form.
    Bob decided he might just complete
    the interior design course
    before he orchestrated any more changes
    and they had all moved on to the next assignment.
    Friday was also the deadline date
    and innocent Assumpta arrived on site
    to install the blinds and curtains based on
    measurements taken weeks earlier.
    By this stage I was the only one left to face the wrath of…..
    Oh! Apologies, Where are my manners?
    Did I not introduce you to the architect?
    His name is Alphonis, charming man,
    but he had a vision and what he saw was clearly not that.
    â€œThe hems are crooked!” Well, actually No, it’s the floor….
    â€œThe curtains are billowing!”
    Well, actually, it’s the position of the radiator….
    â€œThe curtains are too long!”
    Well, No, the bulkhead has dropped……
    â€œIf you think I am going to sanction these extras
    to move alarm boxes and adjust air vents!”
    â€œThe blinds do not fit!” Well actually Pete….
    But how could I possibly divulge
    Sammy’s domestic difficulties,
    Freddy’s new found religion,
    Alan’s motor problems,
    Don’s aspirations,
    Bob’s ambitions
    and Pete’s predilection?
    So what did I do?
    I sat down and in absolute and utter frustration
    I wrote the following ode………..
    The above scenario depiction
    Is purely a work of fiction
    And all the characters mentioned
    Are entirely by me invented.

O DE TO THE PERFECT WINDOW OPE
    Oh for the perfect window ope,
    Devoid of glass or frame,
    Unshackled by skirting, floor, walls or door,
    Unencumbered by sensor, bulkhead, fan coil or duct,
    Adorned by static, inert, obedient drape,
    Or bracketless, cordless, crankless blind,
    In only one colour and size.
    Is this sent to mock or deride?
    Oh No, I say, long live the rebellious warp and weft,
    The blind of every colour and hue,
    The window of every size and shape,
    The challenge to create,
    Not tantalise and frustrate.
    The solution? Wait?
    No. The deadline insists,
    Anticipate.

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