Puckoon Read Online Free

Puckoon
Book: Puckoon Read Online Free
Author: Spike Milligan
Tags: Fiction, General, Humorous, Poetry
Pages:
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his back,
taking both of his arms out of sight and sockets, at the same time corkscrewing
his legs which gave off an agonized crackling sound from his knees. For a brief
poetic moment he stayed twisted and poised, then fell sideways like a felled
ox.' Must be nearly lunch time,' he thought as he hit the ground. The Lord
said:' Six days shalt thou labour and on the seventh thou shalt rest.' He
hadn't reckoned wid the unions. Forty-eight hours a week shalt thou labour and
on the seventh thou shalt get double time. Ha. It was more profitable to be in
the unions.
    As Milligan laboured unevenly through
the afternoon, long overgrown tombstones came to light,
    R.I.P.
    Tom Conlon O'Rourke. Not Dead , just Sleeping.
    'He's not kiddin' anyone but
himself,' Milligan chuckled irreverently. What was all dis dyin' about, anyhow?
It was a strange and mysterious thing, no matter how you looked at it.' I
wonder what heaven is really like? Must be pretty
crowded by now, it's been goin' a long time.' Did they have good lunches?
    Pity dere was so little information.
Now, if there was more brochures on the place, more
people might be interested in going dere. Dafs what the church needed, a good
Public Relations man. ' Come to heaven where it's real
cool.' ' Come to heaven and enjoy the rest.' ' Come to heaven where old friends meet, book now to avoid
disappointment!' Little catch phrases like dat would do the place a power of
good. Mind you, dere were other questions, like did people come back to earth
after they die, like them Buddhists say.
    In dat religion you got to come back
as an animal.
    Mmm, a cat! Dat's the best animal to
come back as, sleep all day, independent, ha! that was
the life, stretched out in front of a fire, but no, Oh hell, they might give me
that terrible cat operation, no no I forgot about that. Come to think of it,
who the hell wants to come back again anyhow ? Now,
honest, how many people in life have had a good enough time to come back ? Of course if you could come back as a woman you could
see the other side of life
    ? By gor, dat would be an experience,
suppose you wakes up one morning and finds you're a woman ? What would he do? Go for a walk and see what happens. Oh yes, all this dyin'
was a funny business, still, it was better to believe in God than not.
    You certainly couldn't believe in men.
Bernard Shaw said ' Every man over forty is a scoundrel', ha ha ha, Milligan laughed aloud, ' Every one round dese parts is
a scoundrel at sixteen!' Bernard Shaw, dere was a great man, the Irish Noel
Coward. A tiny insect with wings hovered stock still in front of Milligan's
face. 'I wonder if he's tryin' to hypnotize me,' he thought, waving the
creature away.
    The sun bled its scarlet way to the
horizon and the skies nodded into evening. The birds flew to their secret
somewheres, and bats grew restless at the coming of night. Milligan puzzled at
the church clock. 4.32 ? Good heavens, it gets dark
early round here.
    ' How are
you getting on then, Dan ?'
    At the sound of the priest's voice,
Milligan put on a brief energetic display of hoeing. The priest blew his nose.
'Farnnnn -
    farnnnnnnnn ,'
it went, in a deep melodious Eb.' I think you've done enough for today, it's
nearly seven.'
    ' Seven ?'
Milligan cursed in his head.' Trust me to work to a bloody stopped clock!'
    'You mustn't kill yerself, Milligan.'
    ' I'm in the
right place if I do.'
    They both laughed.
    A cool breeze blew in from the
Atlantic, fetching the smell of airborne waves. The first ectoplasms of evening
mist were forming over the river. Here and there fishes mouthed an O at the
still surface. The Angelus rang out its iron prayer. Murphy, out in his fields,
dropped his hoe and joined hands in prayer. 'The Angel of the Lord declared
unto Mary.'
    The near Godless Milligan trundled
his bike towards the Holy Drinker,
    'IIIIIII
    Once knew a Judy in Dubleen town Her eyes were blue and her hair was brown One night on the
grass I got her downnnn and the
    . . .'
    The
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