Rude Bitches Make Me Tired: Slightly Profane and Entirely Logical Answers to Modern Etiquette Dilemmas Read Online Free

hand, looking up at the numbers and letters identifying the row and seats as though you honestly don’t know what they mean. You’re a forensic accountant, for God’s sake. Don’t act like you inhaled stupid dust and suddenly can’t decipher these mysterious hieroglyphics overhead. Your seat is 15A. Find it and sit the fuck down so the rest of us can do the same.
• Once you have located your seat, do not spend more than a scant few seconds placing your paraphernalia in the overhead compartment. Do not place your puffy ski jacket or similar clothing into this compartment, because this just confirms what a dick you are. The overhead space is limited (duh) and clothing can easily be smushed under the seat in front of you. Also, always use the compartment near your seat. Do not stow your carry-on in the fourth row when you’re seated in the twenty-sixth row. This will lead to embarrassing intercom announcements from the flight attendant asking for the “douche sitting in the back row who placed his crap in the front of the plane” to please retrieve it. Happens all the time.
• Once you sit down, do not try to talk to me. I don’t want to chat. I just want to sit here, reading my magazine and feeling the magic of a well-timed Xanax purr through my frazzled brain. I don’t fly to socialize with strangers. Besides, you forget that I’ve seen your toes.
• I know this may sound silly, but you should try to feign attention when the flight attendant is going through his or her spiel. Of course you know how to fasten a seat belt. But when we’re all bobbing in the waves and you’re wondering how I knew about the whole seat cushion as flotation device thing, I ain’t sharing. You will not be like Leo DiCaprio clinging to the side of my plywood. I will flick you off like a wolf spider. Buh-bye.
• If you have to get up at any time during the flight, use the armrests to hoist your fat ass up and about. Do not grab the headrest of the seat in front of you. That is my hair you’re pulling out by the roots. Don’t make me ask the pilot to pull this plane over.
    Damn! It’s Crowded up in Here
    Now more than ever, airlines are hell-bent to fill every single seat. Gone is the day when you could view your decidedly sucky middle-seat, rear-of-plane assignment as temporary because, once airborne, you could cheerfully upgrade to a better seat, one with a window and without such noxious proximity to the shitter.
    You know how you always spend forever waiting at the gate even though it seems that everyone has boarded? The delay is often explained by the dulcet tones of the pilot, who may mention that “we” are waiting for runway clearance or for a gate to open up at the destination or the ever-popular “weather, yeah, just weather,” but I believe it’s because someone has sent the flight attendants into the terminal to snatch random bodies to fill any empty seats.
    I swear on a recent flight to Charlotte they drafted two Quiznos workers and the weird lady in the restroom who expects a dollar for handing you a Kleenex to make sure there wasn’t a single open seat. Done. Flight attendants, please take your seats.
    This full-flight-or-bust attitude has created all sorts of discomfort for those of us doomed to sit behind the Recline Monster.
    Entitled Recline Monster has paid for his seat and he gets to recline if he wants to. I mean, there’s a recline button right there. If reclining were so rude, wouldn’t they remove that button the same way they sealed up those tiny ashtrays that used to be in the armrest?
    Technically, yes. Recline Monster has every right to recline. It’s just incredibly ill-mannered. It’s the same with taking smelly food aboard. The TSA can’t stop you from taking that garlic-and-onion calzone on board even though it smells like an incendiary device. But just because you can do something legally, it doesn’t mean you should.
    Recline Monster abruptly reclines all the way for his maximum