Stuff Hipsters Hate Read Online Free
Author: Brenna Ehrlich, Andrea Bartz
bothers running her fingertips anywhere near his crotch.
While bros take great joy in leading a girl’s hand to their belt buckle and leaving the whole de-pantsing process to her ( Fucking buttons! Why does your fly have all these fucking buttons! ), hipsters will suddenly stop kissing, sit up and whip off their skinny jeans without a bit of assistance. Maybe they’re being helpful. Maybe they’re just excited. Maybe they want to make sure it’s abundantly clear what will happen next. Or perhaps they’re just aware there’s no way an outsider could slide off that skintight denim without Vaseline, scissors or about three times the strength of a hipster girl’s pencil arms.
MONOGAMY
First rule of hipster mating: Always keep some balls in the air. May we recommend the following romantic interests:
EXHIBIT A: That dude/chick whom you’re really into who ghosts for weeks at a time, says he/she doesn’t want a relationship and only texts you back at 3 a.m. But he/she will totally come around someday. Right? Right?
EXHIBIT B: The dude/chick who texts you every day, whom you’re not really that into (at least not physically), but who makes you feel better about yourself because someone wants you.
EXHIBIT C : That dude/chick. The one you met in a bar. For some reason he/she is entered as “Vest” in your phone. Maybe he/she was wearing a vest…
EXHIBIT D : Your best friend.
With this wide variety of romantic interests in play, it’s certain: Everyone’s getting screwed.
BREAKING UP
“Yeah, I don’t think I want to see you anymore. You don’t really need me and I’m kinda intimidated by your real job. I’m not gonna do that whole let’s-see-other-people thing though…that leads to all this fucking crying and I end up feeling like a total dick.
Instead I’m gonna just quietly withdraw and stop responding to your texts, occasionally emerging from the ether to send you cryptic, apologetic e-mails about my current bout of episodic depression. I’ll use figurative language like ‘buried under life’ or ‘in a cocoon’ and make increasingly vague references to hanging out in the near future. Then you’ll have a chance to get used to the idea of not having me in your life as I gradually fade into nothingness. (True, one time after I ghosted this chick sent me an e-mail telling me she was all bewildered and furious, but she was crazy possessive or some shit.) That way when I finally run into you at Brooklyn Bowl and I’m with my new girl (the one I star ted hanging out with when I first sent you those e-mails—chyeah, I dovetail babes), everyone’s cool.
Really, this is better for everybody.”
—Aaron K., 29, dog groomer and harpsichord player
HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
“Dude, love is so much more meaningful when you’re fighting all the time. Love shouldn’t be easy—it should be a struggle. Hey, no one ever wrote a timeless, real song about a mutually respectful, emotionally supportive relationship. That’s why I date crazy girls/emotionally distant boys who will inevitably leave me broken and wailing into my whiskey, act aloof and unfeeling when stalking new romantic prey, and frequently hook up with my best friends. I take all my relationship cues from books by Bukowski, Murakami and Salinger. Marriage is an illusion. (But I totally wanna get married someday.)”
—Esther J., 24, poet and sandwich maker
CHAPTER 2
SOCIAL HABITS
[CASE STUDY]
Marisol V.’s vintage “Posters of New York City Transit” calendar (a Christmas gift from her clueless mother) has been flipped to September 2008 for several years now. This lack of attention to dates encapsulates Marisol’s attitude toward the passage of time. Marisol is a 27-year-old hipster female who works the nightshift at a 24-hour coffee shop, meaning her sleep schedule runs roughly from 9 a.m. until 3 p.m. Consequently, at any given time, she has
While bros take great joy in leading a girl’s hand to their belt buckle and leaving the whole de-pantsing process to her ( Fucking buttons! Why does your fly have all these fucking buttons! ), hipsters will suddenly stop kissing, sit up and whip off their skinny jeans without a bit of assistance. Maybe they’re being helpful. Maybe they’re just excited. Maybe they want to make sure it’s abundantly clear what will happen next. Or perhaps they’re just aware there’s no way an outsider could slide off that skintight denim without Vaseline, scissors or about three times the strength of a hipster girl’s pencil arms.
MONOGAMY
First rule of hipster mating: Always keep some balls in the air. May we recommend the following romantic interests:
EXHIBIT A: That dude/chick whom you’re really into who ghosts for weeks at a time, says he/she doesn’t want a relationship and only texts you back at 3 a.m. But he/she will totally come around someday. Right? Right?
EXHIBIT B: The dude/chick who texts you every day, whom you’re not really that into (at least not physically), but who makes you feel better about yourself because someone wants you.
EXHIBIT C : That dude/chick. The one you met in a bar. For some reason he/she is entered as “Vest” in your phone. Maybe he/she was wearing a vest…
EXHIBIT D : Your best friend.
With this wide variety of romantic interests in play, it’s certain: Everyone’s getting screwed.
BREAKING UP
“Yeah, I don’t think I want to see you anymore. You don’t really need me and I’m kinda intimidated by your real job. I’m not gonna do that whole let’s-see-other-people thing though…that leads to all this fucking crying and I end up feeling like a total dick.
Instead I’m gonna just quietly withdraw and stop responding to your texts, occasionally emerging from the ether to send you cryptic, apologetic e-mails about my current bout of episodic depression. I’ll use figurative language like ‘buried under life’ or ‘in a cocoon’ and make increasingly vague references to hanging out in the near future. Then you’ll have a chance to get used to the idea of not having me in your life as I gradually fade into nothingness. (True, one time after I ghosted this chick sent me an e-mail telling me she was all bewildered and furious, but she was crazy possessive or some shit.) That way when I finally run into you at Brooklyn Bowl and I’m with my new girl (the one I star ted hanging out with when I first sent you those e-mails—chyeah, I dovetail babes), everyone’s cool.
Really, this is better for everybody.”
—Aaron K., 29, dog groomer and harpsichord player
HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
“Dude, love is so much more meaningful when you’re fighting all the time. Love shouldn’t be easy—it should be a struggle. Hey, no one ever wrote a timeless, real song about a mutually respectful, emotionally supportive relationship. That’s why I date crazy girls/emotionally distant boys who will inevitably leave me broken and wailing into my whiskey, act aloof and unfeeling when stalking new romantic prey, and frequently hook up with my best friends. I take all my relationship cues from books by Bukowski, Murakami and Salinger. Marriage is an illusion. (But I totally wanna get married someday.)”
—Esther J., 24, poet and sandwich maker
CHAPTER 2
SOCIAL HABITS
[CASE STUDY]
Marisol V.’s vintage “Posters of New York City Transit” calendar (a Christmas gift from her clueless mother) has been flipped to September 2008 for several years now. This lack of attention to dates encapsulates Marisol’s attitude toward the passage of time. Marisol is a 27-year-old hipster female who works the nightshift at a 24-hour coffee shop, meaning her sleep schedule runs roughly from 9 a.m. until 3 p.m. Consequently, at any given time, she has
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