The Coaster Read Online Free

a moving train in a movie. That’s what I wanted to do. What I really did was tune her out, which I accomplished by thinking about my current work life. I’m normally not one to bring my work home with me. Why would I? There’s nothing to bring. I don’t have enough work to fill my days, much less my nights. But now I was spending my evening worrying about work I didn’t even have, suddenly concluding I was wasting my life like a walking midlife crisis cliché. It’s too late, Bob. I like to address myself by name in my internal monologues like people who chastise themselves verbally after a bad golf shot. Come on, Jim. Finish your swing! That ship sailed about twenty years ago.
    As we pulled into the parking lot, Sarah was finishing up her story. “…and it turns out, thank God, Sharon had a backup disk in her office.”
    I helped her out of the car, kissed her on the cheek and said, “Well, I’m glad everything worked out. Now if we find out terrorists are holding everyone hostage inside and won’t let anyone else in, it’ll be a perfect day.”
    ***
    I was feeling good, buzzed enough to survive the gauntlet of the “important” people in our fair city for the two minutes it would take me to make my way to the open bar. I had to be on my best behavior because my in-laws were the co-chairpersons or whatever they call it now when they insist on honoring a powerful man and his faithful wife as if they were equally responsible for giving millions of dollars to the cause. And maybe they are. These events would never happen without an aggressively charitable wife trying to justify her privileged existence.
    I was in my custom-tailored tuxedo purchased for just such an occasion and Sarah was wearing a beaded gown and brand new high-heeled shoes that would make her feet bleed before her second drink. If she’d told me how much her ensemble cost, I probably would have divorced her on the spot.
    My in-laws are “honored” as chairpersons at a lot of these events. This is a high society mechanism for extorting a huge donation from the “chair couple.” If you say you’ll be the honorary chairman of an event, there is an implied offer to give a “seed” donation. The organization in question can then say, when people ask how much they should give, “Well, the honorary chairs gave fifty thousand dollars.” It’s all a scam.
    The breakdown is usually as follows: a young, societally inbred couple or two are named the event’s co-chairpersons. They are responsible for actually doing a few things to get the event on solid ground. They may have to make a few fundraising visits, often to their place of employment or their father’s law firm, or the like. Their wives will be responsible for stocking the silent auction with donated vacation homes and what women think passes for sports memorabilia. There will also be the Honorary Chairs, and these are always the heavy-hitter names, your Old Bulls and Silverbacks. They are really expected to do nothing in terms of tangible “work,” but they are expected to cough up their Christmas card lists and make a sizeable donation to the cause.
    Then there are the events that are true honoraria. These might be such things as So and So Charity’s Woman of the Year, Hall of Fame honorees, and so forth. The person or persons being honored are always expected to make a giant donation to the group celebrating them. My in-laws have spent a fortune being celebrated as a power couple, giving both time and money, in our town. For several years, my wife and I dutifully trooped to event after event celebrating her father. Then after he had been feted by every conceivable organization, here came the next group of 501(c)(3)s who were primed and ready to celebrate the wonderful contributions of my mother-in-law. It truly takes a shitload of money to be honored for your selfless acts.
    I hope one