The Complete Sparkling Vampire Parody Collection (1-4) Read Online Free Page A

after for eternity by the time vampire civil war came to Spork (yay, more people trying to kill me).  And amazingly enough, it wasn't all just some big mistake.  The entire paranormal world of vampires and werewolves were about to duel to the death over my bone headed life (apparently they didn't realize I was the plainest girl in the history of ordinary). 
    So with Psycho and her newfangled army of sparklies, I was sent off to hide with Hunky and Second Fiddle while the local wolves and vampires scratched their heads trying to figure out what was so special about me (surprise--absolutely nothing).  Meanwhile in the super secret hiding place that Psycho would have no trouble finding later, I was in the middle of a hunk hoagie.  Unfortunately, my sausage sandwich was not nearly as satisfying as I'd always fantasized.  I guess that was what happened when the two beefcakes you loved hated each others guts.  With disaster looming though, the two formed an unlikely truce.
    "Hey, so I hate your undead guts," Second Fiddle said to Hunky, as I pretended to sleep.
    "Yeah.  Well I think you're a shirtless schmuck," Hunky fired back.
    "Wow.  This truce has gone completely different than I envisioned.  Maybe that's because you're a pretentious twit."
    "Oh shut up, you brawny bozo.  Remember, this truce is what's best for Nella.  Namely, her still being alive to twaddle my magic wand later."
    "I always do what's best for Nella, you brooding nincompoop.  And I'm going to do everything to keep her alive so she can feast on my hoo ha."
    "Yeah.  Well thanks for risking your life even though you have no shot of ever getting into her pants, turd-a-saurus rex."
    "Don't worry.  I won't her get a scratch on her, douche magoosh."
    "Ha.  Maybe this truce won't be so bad after all.  Now rest up.  It would be a shame if you bit the big one tomorrow, numb nuts."
    ***
    With the loves of my life able to strike a half assed alliance, I was free to forget the battle at hand and talk about important things like my upcoming nuptials.
    "Just so you know, I'm going to be completely worthless during this fight," I said over breakfast.  "You'll probably have to save my ass a lot."
    "What else is new?" Hunky responded.  "Good thing you're amazingly ordinary or I would have never fallen in love with you."
    "Just think of all the terrible new ways I can risk our lives with once we're married."
    "Your mind is a scary scary thing," Hunky said.  "Now, back to our wedding.  I was thinking we should have an erotic balloon animal display right at the entrance."
    "Well, duh."
    "Then maybe a corn maze leading up the alter."
    "Exactly.  We should make people really have to work to see us tie the knot.  God, it's like we're speaking the same twisted language."
    "Yeah.  The language of melodramatic love."
    "Wow.  Immortality is going to be so awesome."
    "Now, let's spoon and make Second Fiddle furiously jealous," Hunky said. 
    But Second Fiddle had been listening in the whole time and wanted to kill himself like it was nobody's business.  As far as he was concerned, the friend zone could kiss his ass.  He thought maybe he'd be lucky enough to die in the heat of battle and find an afterlife babe to bone.
    I sensed Second Fiddle's inner turmoil though (plus he had this really agonizingly constipated face) and didn't want the poor schmuck to die.  After all, I wasn't done cock teasing him yet.  So I pulled him close and told him to kiss me.  He went balls to the wall, planting a huge wet one on me.  Yowza, not making up my mind was actually pretty fun, and I had the kisses to prove it.  But with war looming, the smooching had to stop.  One thing was certain though, if Fiddle's fangs weren't ready to do battle, his dong sure was.
    ***
    Eventually even the most half assed of plots had to get around to staging an unnecessary war.  I couldn't tell you much about that since I was an epic pipsqueak.  Plus, the whole dying thing seemed like a real