The Complete Sparkling Vampire Parody Collection (1-4) Read Online Free Page B
Author: Lacy Maran, Kevin Michael
bummer. So I just curled up in the fetal position until someone came around and saved me like always. Besides, a moody emo brat like me couldn't be expected to fight. Then the repercussions of sending the undead world into all out war might actually cross my mind. I couldn't waste time with that. I had a seating chart for my shotgun wedding to lay out.
Eventually after a whole mess of icky bloodshed, Psycho found my hiding place (see, I even sucked at hide and seek). But, after some menacing threats and diabolically bad one liners, my pasty prince took that wack jobs ass out. As much as I wanted to discuss with Hunky my choice for Goth wedding dj's though, I had a panting werewolf waiting in the wings.
"Hey Second Fiddle. I'm sorry you got seriously injured fighting for my love, but I'm going to have to break your heart now," I said, to the wounded Wolf.
"Wow. I never saw this coming. Otherwise I wouldn't have turned down that invitation to go to the Shirtless Six Packed Singles Cruise," Wolf.
"Look. There will be other plain looking dimwits out there for you to date. Throw a rock in a mall and you'll probably hit ten of them."
"But you're the most beautiful plain looking dimwit ever."
"Wow. That was probably the most idiotic sentence I've ever heard. Gosh, we really could have made a great dumbass couple."
"We still can. You should start a war with the leprechauns next. I'd be happy to save your temperamental tushy from those drunk buggers."
"Second Fiddle, I have an undead wedding to plan. Do you have any idea how many blood banks I have to raid just to just to get a toast going?"
"But Nella, you let me put my tongue down your throat. Doesn't that mean anything anymore?"
I shook my head in disbelief. "You poor naive schmuck. At least you have your six pack to fall back on."
"Fine. I guess I'll have to respect your moronic decision and let you moon for eternity with Professor McBrood over there. But damn, this sucks worse than when my chinchilla went to the big haystack in the sky."
***
"Well, now that we've finally run out of people trying to kill you, what do you say we gyrate some genitals?" Hunky said to me.
But I put up a roadblock on Hunky's hormones. "Whoa there Horny Mclustyloins. I haven't even told you about my favorite emo ice sculptor yet. Sheesh, this shotgun wedding isn't going to plan itself."
The End.
Same Melodrama, All New Lame Ending
You'd think with all the unnecessary drama I'd caused over the years that the story of my mopey life would finally have a happy ending. But surprise, more melodrama awaited. Before the hair pulling, hand wringing, and outright sulking could resume though, a little smidge of happiness had the nerve to waltz into my life.
Of course if you couldn't have fun at your own wedding, then maybe you picked the wrong soulless bloodsucker to spend the rest of your life with. That, or the universe hated your guts. Still, every sourpuss was entitled to a day that didn't suck every once in a while.
Now I had to say, in the short history of sparkling vampires and whiny girls shacking up, we were definitely in the Top 100. But sweet as the erotic balloon animals, interpretive dance ice sculpture, and bad ass corn maze were at the wedding, the honeymoon was like a trip to heaven on Icarus' wings...no wait, that was a bad metaphor. Then again, my life story was riddled with bad metaphors, shameless happenstance, and hollow plotting, so what else was new?
Besides, there was some seriously hot and heavy humping to do, and my naughty bits could not have been more ecstatic. And, as an added benefit, it turned out having a 104 year old husband meant he'd had over a century to master the art of getting jiggy with it. But, all good sex came to an end though. And, shocker of shockers, sometimes boinking had some permanent repercussions (no, not the wacky siph dog). That's right, I caught a nasty case of baby
Eventually after a whole mess of icky bloodshed, Psycho found my hiding place (see, I even sucked at hide and seek). But, after some menacing threats and diabolically bad one liners, my pasty prince took that wack jobs ass out. As much as I wanted to discuss with Hunky my choice for Goth wedding dj's though, I had a panting werewolf waiting in the wings.
"Hey Second Fiddle. I'm sorry you got seriously injured fighting for my love, but I'm going to have to break your heart now," I said, to the wounded Wolf.
"Wow. I never saw this coming. Otherwise I wouldn't have turned down that invitation to go to the Shirtless Six Packed Singles Cruise," Wolf.
"Look. There will be other plain looking dimwits out there for you to date. Throw a rock in a mall and you'll probably hit ten of them."
"But you're the most beautiful plain looking dimwit ever."
"Wow. That was probably the most idiotic sentence I've ever heard. Gosh, we really could have made a great dumbass couple."
"We still can. You should start a war with the leprechauns next. I'd be happy to save your temperamental tushy from those drunk buggers."
"Second Fiddle, I have an undead wedding to plan. Do you have any idea how many blood banks I have to raid just to just to get a toast going?"
"But Nella, you let me put my tongue down your throat. Doesn't that mean anything anymore?"
I shook my head in disbelief. "You poor naive schmuck. At least you have your six pack to fall back on."
"Fine. I guess I'll have to respect your moronic decision and let you moon for eternity with Professor McBrood over there. But damn, this sucks worse than when my chinchilla went to the big haystack in the sky."
***
"Well, now that we've finally run out of people trying to kill you, what do you say we gyrate some genitals?" Hunky said to me.
But I put up a roadblock on Hunky's hormones. "Whoa there Horny Mclustyloins. I haven't even told you about my favorite emo ice sculptor yet. Sheesh, this shotgun wedding isn't going to plan itself."
The End.
Same Melodrama, All New Lame Ending
You'd think with all the unnecessary drama I'd caused over the years that the story of my mopey life would finally have a happy ending. But surprise, more melodrama awaited. Before the hair pulling, hand wringing, and outright sulking could resume though, a little smidge of happiness had the nerve to waltz into my life.
Of course if you couldn't have fun at your own wedding, then maybe you picked the wrong soulless bloodsucker to spend the rest of your life with. That, or the universe hated your guts. Still, every sourpuss was entitled to a day that didn't suck every once in a while.
Now I had to say, in the short history of sparkling vampires and whiny girls shacking up, we were definitely in the Top 100. But sweet as the erotic balloon animals, interpretive dance ice sculpture, and bad ass corn maze were at the wedding, the honeymoon was like a trip to heaven on Icarus' wings...no wait, that was a bad metaphor. Then again, my life story was riddled with bad metaphors, shameless happenstance, and hollow plotting, so what else was new?
Besides, there was some seriously hot and heavy humping to do, and my naughty bits could not have been more ecstatic. And, as an added benefit, it turned out having a 104 year old husband meant he'd had over a century to master the art of getting jiggy with it. But, all good sex came to an end though. And, shocker of shockers, sometimes boinking had some permanent repercussions (no, not the wacky siph dog). That's right, I caught a nasty case of baby
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