The Football Fan's Manifesto Read Online Free
Author: Michael Tunison
bringing back Chris Henry.
Cleveland Browns —The milkbone in your mouth lost its flavor months ago. Your sons are named for Bernie Kosar and your daughters for Brady Quinn. Lawlessness is certain to descend upon the city’s streets now that “fucking soldier” Kellen Winslow Jr. has been dealt to Tampa Bay. You will have to rely on your nonpareil bottle-throwing skills to protect you.
Dallas Cowboys —The Cowboys were dubbed “America’s Team” by the vice president of NFL Films in the ’70s after he asked Steelers’ owner Art Rooney if he wanted his team to have the distinction and Rooney refused it. Sorry, Cowboys fans, you were America’s second choice. But if ever there were a vote on which fan base to wipe from the earth, there’s no doubt Dallas backers would finish first.
Denver Broncos —While other fans struggle with high elevations, Broncos fans are capable of being irritating up to ten thousand feet above sea level. The franchise has been lingering in a rough patch since the retirement of horsey-faced quarterbacking demigod John Elway. At last it seemed Broncos fans had a suitable successor in sulking extraordinaire Jay Cutler. That is, until new coach Josh McDaniels floated hisname in trade talks, causing Cutler’s face to go from sulk to full-on makeup smearing sob. At least Denver fans won’t have to invest in a new player’s jersey for a while.
Detroit Lions —ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO WORSHIP HERE. The 0-16 season has allowed your team its stake in history, however opprobrious. You’re still convinced Barry Sanders is going to return one of these years. When he finally does, he’ll be swarmed by a rabid pack of Lions fans demanding answers. He’ll run ten yards backward, reverse field twice, fake out six of them, and still get tackled for the prettiest two-yard loss you ever saw.
Green Bay Packers —True cosmopolitans, Packers fans are far too occupied exploring other cultures and expanding their understanding of the world to have any time for football. Just kidding. They’re obsessive small-town bumfucks who, though they are traumatized by the very mention of Brett Favre, long for the Gunslinger to return to Wisconsin to be the godfather of all their children and eventually run for governor, only to occupy the position long after his rotting corpse decomposes in its seat.
Houston Texans —As the team’s name suggests, Texans fans are an awfully creative bunch. When the city received an NFL franchise again in the early 2000s, citizens were stymied to come up with another mascot. NASA is based in the area, but the Rocketshave that covered. What else is there, other than immense sprawl and inescapable gridlock? Oh, right: Texas! Run with that.
Indianapolis Colts— In an odd coincidence, no fan base has perfected the jersey-tucked-into-khaki-pants look quite like that of the Colts. At the same time, no other team’s fans own as many of the dreaded shirseys (a T-shirt made to look like a jersey). Following the lead of recently retired head coach and fundamentalist Christian Tony Dungy, Colts fans try to run down at least one gay person en route to Lucas Oil Stadium.
Jacksonville Jaguars —Congratulations! You’re the first-ever Jaguars fan! Hopefully that doesn’t mean you live in Jacksonville. Should that be the case, the person reading this book for you should have the tact to skip this entry.
Kansas City Chiefs —Like so many others, you’ve been victimized by the postseason choking tendencies of Marty Schottenheimer. You thought that would leave an indelible scar on you, but then Herm Edwards showed up and showed you what true inadequacy was all about. With Edwards now recently departed, Matt Cassel and Todd Haley have arrived to usher in a new era of crushing disappointment in K.C.
Miami Dolphins —There are two types of Dolphins fans: retirees who need OnStar to reach the stadium and cocaine dealers who try to move product in the parking lot. For those looking at
Cleveland Browns —The milkbone in your mouth lost its flavor months ago. Your sons are named for Bernie Kosar and your daughters for Brady Quinn. Lawlessness is certain to descend upon the city’s streets now that “fucking soldier” Kellen Winslow Jr. has been dealt to Tampa Bay. You will have to rely on your nonpareil bottle-throwing skills to protect you.
Dallas Cowboys —The Cowboys were dubbed “America’s Team” by the vice president of NFL Films in the ’70s after he asked Steelers’ owner Art Rooney if he wanted his team to have the distinction and Rooney refused it. Sorry, Cowboys fans, you were America’s second choice. But if ever there were a vote on which fan base to wipe from the earth, there’s no doubt Dallas backers would finish first.
Denver Broncos —While other fans struggle with high elevations, Broncos fans are capable of being irritating up to ten thousand feet above sea level. The franchise has been lingering in a rough patch since the retirement of horsey-faced quarterbacking demigod John Elway. At last it seemed Broncos fans had a suitable successor in sulking extraordinaire Jay Cutler. That is, until new coach Josh McDaniels floated hisname in trade talks, causing Cutler’s face to go from sulk to full-on makeup smearing sob. At least Denver fans won’t have to invest in a new player’s jersey for a while.
Detroit Lions —ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO WORSHIP HERE. The 0-16 season has allowed your team its stake in history, however opprobrious. You’re still convinced Barry Sanders is going to return one of these years. When he finally does, he’ll be swarmed by a rabid pack of Lions fans demanding answers. He’ll run ten yards backward, reverse field twice, fake out six of them, and still get tackled for the prettiest two-yard loss you ever saw.
Green Bay Packers —True cosmopolitans, Packers fans are far too occupied exploring other cultures and expanding their understanding of the world to have any time for football. Just kidding. They’re obsessive small-town bumfucks who, though they are traumatized by the very mention of Brett Favre, long for the Gunslinger to return to Wisconsin to be the godfather of all their children and eventually run for governor, only to occupy the position long after his rotting corpse decomposes in its seat.
Houston Texans —As the team’s name suggests, Texans fans are an awfully creative bunch. When the city received an NFL franchise again in the early 2000s, citizens were stymied to come up with another mascot. NASA is based in the area, but the Rocketshave that covered. What else is there, other than immense sprawl and inescapable gridlock? Oh, right: Texas! Run with that.
Indianapolis Colts— In an odd coincidence, no fan base has perfected the jersey-tucked-into-khaki-pants look quite like that of the Colts. At the same time, no other team’s fans own as many of the dreaded shirseys (a T-shirt made to look like a jersey). Following the lead of recently retired head coach and fundamentalist Christian Tony Dungy, Colts fans try to run down at least one gay person en route to Lucas Oil Stadium.
Jacksonville Jaguars —Congratulations! You’re the first-ever Jaguars fan! Hopefully that doesn’t mean you live in Jacksonville. Should that be the case, the person reading this book for you should have the tact to skip this entry.
Kansas City Chiefs —Like so many others, you’ve been victimized by the postseason choking tendencies of Marty Schottenheimer. You thought that would leave an indelible scar on you, but then Herm Edwards showed up and showed you what true inadequacy was all about. With Edwards now recently departed, Matt Cassel and Todd Haley have arrived to usher in a new era of crushing disappointment in K.C.
Miami Dolphins —There are two types of Dolphins fans: retirees who need OnStar to reach the stadium and cocaine dealers who try to move product in the parking lot. For those looking at
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