The Orange Mocha-Chip Frappuccino Years Read Online Free Page A

Twice and paper hats and bullshit conversation and Belgian chocolates and smoked salmon and asshole relatives and hot port and brandy butter and Charlotte Church and wrapping paper and ‘Oooh, I love you so much, darling,’ and pass the focking sick bag. I am SO not going to be here for it next year.

    Orlaith, this bird I know, roysh, works in a PR firm, Brown Nose and Schmooze Public Relations as we call it, she’s a pain in the focking orse, roysh, but a ringer for Kate Beckinsale. She rings me on my mobile and storts telling me all about what a great New Year she had. She says that a bunch of them rented, like, a cottage on the Aran Islands, roysh, and OH! MY! GOD! you should have seen the state of Sara with no h, who drank, like, practically a whole bottle of vodka after Conor, her ex, ended up going off with, like, Keeva – Hello ? – the girl who’s supposed to be, like, her best friend. I pretty much switch off while this is going on, roysh,and when she eventually lets me get a word in edgeways, I’m like, ‘So, what was the weather like?’ Not that I actually give a shit, you understand. I’m just basically making conversation. Scoring Orlaith is, like, a long-term project of mine. She goes, ‘It was okay. But there was no coverage, though. It was, like, SO frustrating not being able to text. And OH! MY! GOD ! they changed over to the euro as well. I didn’t think they would. Though I suppose the Aran Islands are pretty much Ireland, aren’t they?’ Then she’s like, ‘What are you doing tonight?’ I’m like, ‘Cinema. You?’ She’s there, ‘Might go for a sauna later on. Hey, I met Faye and Amy in Crunch last weekend. On the sunbeds. Those two seem to be as thick as thieves.’ And I’m just like, ‘Yeah, cool.’
    She goes, ‘Speaking of cool, OH! MY! GOD! I saw your mum on Six-One.’ I’m like, ‘Yeah, making a total tit of herself as usual.’ She goes, ‘Oh my God, she SO didn’t, Ross. I thought she was SO good. I didn’t even know she was involved with the … what do they call it?’ I’m like, ‘The Move Funderland to the Northside Campaign. A couple of her friends live in Sandymount, you see.’ She goes, ‘Some of Mum and Dad’s do too, and oh my God, the knackers it brings into the area. Total CHV. It’s like, OH! MY! GOD! ’ I’m like, ‘Yeah.’ She goes, ‘Your mum is such a good speaker. What was it she said? “Funderland is fun for everyone – except if you happen to live in Sandymount.” That was such a clever thing to say.’ I’m like, ‘Well, she is, like, PRO for the group.’ She goes, ‘And when she stood in front of that bomper cor, OH! MY! GOD! she was, like, SO brave.’ I’m like, ‘I wish it had focking hit her.’ She’s like, ‘You can’t say that, Ross. I mean, there’s no room for something like Funderland in the New Ireland. Fair play to her for saying that to the gorda. I mean, whydon’t they put it in Ballymun? When they knock down all those, like, flats and shit.’ I’m like, ‘Yeah, maybe–’ She goes, ‘ OH! MY! GOD! isn’t your twenty-first coming up?’ I’m like, ‘Not until May.’ She goes, ‘Cool. What are you doing for it?’ I’m like, ‘Porty in the gaff, probably. The old pair are putting up, like, a marquee and shit. Should be cool.’ She’s there, ‘Cool.’ I’m like, ‘Yeah, cool.’ She goes, ‘ OH! MY! GOD! ‘Sex and the City’ is on tonight.’ I’m like, ‘Is that the one with the–’ She’s like, ‘ Lesbians, yes . Ohmy God, you are actually worse than Oisinn. Anyway, she’s not a lesbian anymore. It was actually just a phase.’
    The conversation is storting to bore the orse off me, roysh, but with girls like Orlaith you really have to put the work in if you’re going to get anything out of it at a future date. She carries on blabbing for, like, twenty minutes about nights out she had over Christmas, roysh, and how she is turning into such a Samantha , whatever the fock that is,