The Orange Mocha-Chip Frappuccino Years Read Online Free Page B

and she storts telling me about all these goys she was nearly with. Nearly , I stress. Orlaith, I’ve noticed, is never actually with anyone, which makes her a bit of a challenge. I chanced my arm with her in Tram Co one night about a year ago, roysh, she was basically coming on to me all night, so I moved in for the kill and she just, like, pulled away. I was like, ‘Hey, you’re being offered the chance to be with Ross O’Carroll-Kelly. Might not come around again.’ She goes, ‘No, I’m, em, seeing someone.’ I’m like, ‘Who?’ She’s there, ‘Rob.’ I’m there, ‘Rob who?’ She goes, ‘Rob … O’Brien.’ Now I may have failed the Leaving three times, roysh, but I’m not stupid. Nobody’s called Rob O’Brien, that’s the kind of name you make up when a copper catches you pissing up against an ATM in Donnybrook at four o’clock in the morning after an international match. So that was the night I put Orlaith’s name alongside Erika’s in the filemarked, ‘Long-term Projects.’
    I turn around to her and I’m like, ‘You must be looking forward to going skiing. I’m actually looking forward to seeing you again. I’m glad you’re coming to my twenty-first.’ Pretty smooth, I have to admit. She goes, ‘Ross, I’ve told you before. You’re too much of a bastard for my liking.’ I’m there, ‘I’m not anymore. I’ve changed … Orlaith.’ I nearly said Erika. She goes, ‘Sure you have.’ I turn around to Fionn, who’s sitting beside me, roysh, and I’m like, ‘Fionn, haven’t I changed?’ And the next thing, roysh, I hear all these people going, ‘Ssshhh,’ and I turn around, ready to, like, deck someone. I’m like, ‘ WHAT is your focking problem?’ Someone goes, ‘We’re trying to watch the film. You shouldn’t even have that on in here.’ It was Lord of the focking Rings. I’m like, ‘Can you blame me? This is shit.’ Then I go, ‘Orlaith, I’m going to have to call you back.’
    The next thing, roysh, this bird is suddenly shining a torch in my face and telling me and Fionn to get out. I’m like, ‘With pleasure,’ but Fionn, who was actually enjoying the film, believe it or not, is really pissed off with me, the specky focker. I’m glad to see one of us understood what the fock was going on in it. It was something like six hours long. I was growing a focking beard sitting there. As we’re heading out, roysh, I think of something really funny to shout and basically I can’t resist it, roysh, so I leg it back in, open the door and I’m there, ‘We’re closing up for the night out here. Turn off the lights on your way out. When it’s finally over, that is.’ Which you have to admit, roysh, is pretty funny. Fionn didn’t think so, though. No sense of humour basically.

    Dickhead gets me tickets for the Ireland versus Italy match. He’s like, ‘They’re on the mantelpiece, Ross, behind your mother’sJohn Rocha signature carafe.’ I’m like, ‘Am I supposed to be focking grateful or something?’ Which I probably should be, roysh, but you give my old man the least bit of encouragement and suddenly he’s trying to be all palsy-walsy with you, which basically I don’t need at this stage in my life.
    I meet Oisinn and a few of the birds before the game, roysh, just for a bit of lunch, but Erika’s in one of her usual moods, just sitting there constantly sighing and, like, throwing her eyes up to heaven and she hasn’t even touched her moyashi soba. Eventually , roysh, completely out of the blue, she goes, ‘Is it just a coincidence that all the worst words in a woman’s life contain the word ‘men’? We’re talking menstruation, we’re talking meno-pause , we’re talking–’ Oisinn’s like, ‘ Ménage à trois ?’ And Erika, roysh, she gives him the finger and goes, ‘In your dreams,’ and me and Oisinn high-five each other, even though I don’t speak German.
    The waitress bird, roysh, who Erika’s been giving filthies to all day,