The Redneck Guide to Raisin' Children Read Online Free Page A

about hunting is that they can drink all the beer they want and the ol’ lady ain’t there to complain.
    They also can take a much-needed leak in the woods and nobody says a word. But be forewarned that peeing outdoors can get dangerous.
    Wiley Watkins stopped to relieve himself near the edge of a forest—and peed right on a farmer’s electrified fence. Wiley got knocked ten feet and woke up feeling like Ted Bundy that day Florida fried the creep.
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    Rednecks’ Five Favorite Sports
    1. Wrestlemania
    2. Demolition derbies
    3. Stock car racin’
    4. Honky-tonk free-for-alls
    5. Cockroach stompin’
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    Guns and Gun Racks
    No redneck truck is complete without a gun rack in the rear window and a red, white, and blue bumper sticker that says: GOD, GUNS, GUTS, AND OLD GLORY MADE AMERICA GREAT—LET’S KEEP ALL THREE.
    Rednecks love guns, especially hunting rifles. And we don’t see anything wrong with letting your young’uns use cap pistols and BB guns to practice shooting. One of these days they might need their skills to defend our nation.
    The greatest soldier in World War I was a redneck, Sgt. Alvin York of Tennessee. And the most decorated soldier in World War II was a redneck, Audie Murphy of Texas. That wasn’t no accident—it was because redneck boys practice shooting until they can knock the contact lenses out of a gnat’s eyes at two hundred yards.
    But don’t let your kids get hold of your real guns until they’re teenagers and can learn how to safely use them. If you catch your little children fooling around with your gun collection, tan their behinds.
    Every redneck family’s pickup truck ought to have a gun rack in the rear window. However, don’t get one if you don’t have a truck. Nothing looks tackier than a big gun rack on a Chevy Chevette. Or a bicycle. Or a horse.
    A word of warning: Always chain and lock the rifles and shotguns onto your truck’s gun rack. Young’uns are naturally curious, and the most curious among them in our neck of the woods are missing a few fingers and toes. We’ve got nearly grown kids in Mayhew County who can’t count past thirteen.

In-laws and Other Household Pests
    It’s too bad they don’t have a pest control service that comes once a month and sprays your house for unwanted relatives.
    Someday these nuisances probably will include your own grown kids.
    Once your boys and girls get hitched, don’t sell their beds or turn their bedroom into a display area for your prized beer can collection. Most of them are gonna be back faster than you can spell D-I-V-O-R-C-E.
    And when your brother-in-law loses his job, he’s bound to pile his whole family—including his six dogs—in on you.
    Even worse, one day you’re sure to have your know-it-all mother-in-law sharing your house after her husband kicks off. Women always outlive men, sometimes because they shoot ’em for foolin’ around.
    How are you gonna deal with all these extra mouths to feed?
    The best way is to secretly change your mealtimes. Get up at three o’clock in the morning, eat all the eggs and bacon in the house, and let your sponging relatives find the refrigerator empty when they drag their lazy butts out of bed later that day.
    For supper, bring home a big bag of White Castle cheeseburgers. But leave them in your truck. Have your spouse and younger kids sneak out to the truck, one at a time, to chow down in privacy.
    Once your good-for-nothin’ “guests” realize you ain’t no meal ticket, they’ll start looking elsewhere for their grub—and probably move in with some other sucker relative who’ll support them.
    Debugging Your Home
    It’s a little harder to get rid of roaches than relatives. Especially when the bugs are so big that they just laugh at the Orkin man and throw him headfirst out the door.
    We’ve found that Roach Motels work pretty good, but it