The Redneck Guide to Raisin' Children Read Online Free

hospital … they’ll never wake up in scary places with even scarier bedmates … they won’t have to run from some drug-crazed freak … and they’ll always have a job as long as Wal-Mart and Dunkin’ Donuts are in business.
    Sadly, despite all the good work being done by Chuck Norris and his “Kick Drugs Out of America” campaign, we’ll never completely stop people from using drugs.
    Even rednecks get hooked on drugs every now and then. One of the most damaging is uncoated aspirin, which leaves a lot of long-distance truckers with gruesome stomach pains.
    We’ve also known some people who were hopeless Coke addicts but recovered after therapy at the RC Rehab Center over in Potato Ridge.
    And of course, the middle-aged redneck’s drug of choice is Preparation H.
    Stranger in a Strange Land
    It’s a plain fact that drug users can’t keep a job.
    Whenever we want to impress that fact on our kids, we just point to Herbie the Hippie.
    Herbie’s never held down a regular job in his whole life. He’s kind of a sad figure, really, all alone in the world.
    He used to live in Minnesota. Then, in 1969, he heard about the Woodstock Festival and decided to drive to it. But Herbie’s brain was so fogged by marijuana that he couldn’t read a road map—and he ended up in Woodstock, Georgia, just outside Atlanta.
    Well, Herbie kept driving around looking for the other Woodstock until his pink VW microbus blew an engine here in Chicken Neck, Tennessee.
    When Herbie first arrived in town he had a long ponytail, an earring, and a little mustache. A lot of people mistook him for Pauline Perkins.
    But now he’s got a full beard and has been here for nigh onto thirty years, marooned kinda like Gilligan.
    Herbie lives in a little abandoned fishing shack out beside Lost Gizzard Lake and grows his own vegetables plus a little “wacky terbacky” for his personal consumption.
    Sheriff Gardner knows about Herbie the Hippie’s illegal crop, but lets it slide because Herbie never bothers anybody. Potheads—unlike crack heads—ain’t violent.
    In fact, the only trouble we’ve ever seen out of a marijuana addict happened over in the town of Potato Ridge, thirty miles from here.
    This red-eyed, long-haired dude went up to an old woman in a supermarket parking lot, pointed a silver-plated hairbrush at her, and said very slowly, “Okay, lady, keep the cash—just give me all your Twinkies!”
    Surefire Cussin’ Remedies
    Ivory. Camay. Dial. Irish Spring. Tide. Levi’s thirty-four-length leather belt.

Huntin’ and Fishin’
    There’s an old country saying: “Women do the cookin’, men do the hookin’.” A man’s place ain’t in the kitchen, it’s on the riverbank.
    As soon as your boys get old enough to toddle, take them fishing. It’s not just entertainment, it’s a survival skill. One of these days they might be out of work and need to fish to feed their families.
    Hank Williams Jr. says in one song: “We can skin a buck, and we can run a trot line. / Country folk can survive.” That’s why every daddy needs to take his kids fishing—even when his wife gets mad because the roof’s still not patched and it’s about to rain.
    Take your children deer and rabbit hunting, too, especially the boys. You don’t actually have to shoot the animals. Just getting out in the woods amongst all the wildlife and trees is healthy for kids.
    Rufus McKinney goes hunting all the time, and the only thing he’s ever killed in his life is a six-pack. He ain’t even taken along any ammunition since the drunken day he shot at a buck and bagged his left foot.
    Even more shocking, Rufus woke up to find Wiley Watkins trying to mount his foot on the den wall—with Rufus still attached to it.
    When Nature Calls Collect
    Unlike Rufus, most rednecks figure the best thing