Uncle John’s Fast-Acting Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader Read Online Free

holder: Robert Wolf, who extinguished 43 torches on July 30, 2004. According to press reports, Wolf “finished the very dangerous record attempt without any injury to others and sustained only minor burns to his mouth.”
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    SIX BALD ROCK STARS
• Rob Halford (Judas Priest)
• Fred Durst (Limp Bizkit)
• Moby
• Michael Stipe (R.E.M.)
• Billy Corgan (Smashing Pumpkins)
• Sinead O’Connor
Hitler’s jawbone is reportedly kept in the Russian Federation Archives.

THERE OUGHTA BE A LAW
The syndicated TV show Celebrity Justice asked a slew of celebrities to finish this sentence: There oughta be a law …
    “…against people who scrape their silverware on plates. I hate that.”
    —Rebecca Romijn
    “…against people who get into the ‘10 items or less’ line with more than 10 items and use a credit card where it says ‘cash only.’”
    —Samuel L. Jackson
    “…against people who make jokes that aren’t jokes. Like when you say, ‘Is today Tuesday?’ And somebody says, ‘All day!’ That’s not a joke. Not funny. Don’t say it.”
    —Hank Azaria
    “…that if you are a good driver, and you have a reasonable IQ, you should be able to drive any speed you want.”
    —Jenna Elfman
    “…against honking your horn unless it’s absolutely necessary. Otherwise you’re going to drive everybody crazy, the stress level will come up, people will be fighting in the streets. Don’t honk your horn!”
    —Dick Clark
    “…against people coming into a meeting, in close quarters, with bad breath.”
    —Coolio
    “…against people that when they give you your change at the cash register, that they put the dollar down first, and then the change.”
    —Elizabeth Perkins
    “…that if a guy gets dumped by a woman on national TV, he should get half of everything she owns. I mean that’s how it works in the real world.”
    —Charlie , The Bachelorette
    “…and a serious fine for people who don’t pick up their dog turd, and I want them to be thrown in jail.”
    —Marg Helgenberger , CSI
    “…that the whole world sort of adopts Spain’s timetable, where you sort of take the whole day off to relax and have fun.”
    —David Arquette
    “…that people smile at at least three people every day.”
    —Orlando Bloom
The Sun converts over 4,000,000 tons of matter into energy every second.

APRIL FOOLS!
It’s not unusual to find odd-but-true stories in the newspapers these days. But if the date on the paper is April 1…you might want to think twice before assuming it’s true .
    I n 1998 Burger King ran a full-page advertisement in USA Today announcing the new Left-Handed Whopper. “The new left-handed sandwich will have all condiments rotated 180°, thereby reducing the amount of lettuce and other toppings from spilling out the right side of the burger.”
    • In 1993 a group calling itself “The Arm the Homeless Coalition” announced that volunteers dressed as Santa would be stationed outside local malls collecting donations to buy guns and ammo for the homeless citizens of Columbus, Ohio. “There are organizations that deal with food and jobs, but none that train homeless people to use firearms,” a spokesperson told reporters. A few days later three Ohio State University students admitted they’d made the whole thing up.
    • In 1959 the Indiana Kokomo Tribune announced that due to budget cuts, the city police department would now be closing each night from 6 p.m. to 6 a.m. Anyone who called the police after hours would have to leave a message on the answering machine, and in the morning a police officer would listen to the messages. “We will check the hospitals and the coroner, and if they don’t have any trouble, we will know that nothing happened,” the paper quoted a police department spokesperson as saying.
    • In 1999, just four months after most of western Europe adopted the euro as a standard currency, England’s BBC radio service announced that England