Dave Trellis and the Allotments of Doom Read Online Free Page B

him.’
    ‘Done, Davey
boy,’ said Enoch, who lifted his arms up, threw his head back and
yelled. ‘Now rugby - ARRROOOOGAAAHH!’

Chapter Two
If at first you don’t
succeed, use a bigger hammer.
    Dave
Trellis
    One
Life, One Woman, One Shed
     
     
    Enoch kicked
off. The ball flew through the early evening air in a lazy,
tumbling arc. A dog leapt high and grabbed the ball in mid-air. The
game was on.
    The ball flew
down the line, from dog to dog to Fergus, who took it at speed and
made for the line. His legs pumping hard, feet hitting the firm dry
turf, accelerating, leaning almost too far forward. Ball grasped
firmly against his chest, he pounded down the wing towards the last
defending Palaver.
    Three strides
from the hulking figure, Fergus changed grip and made ready to pass
the ball back towards the centre. He started the pass, but at the
last minute dummied and jinked left. The defender left standing and
Fergus dived for the line. Three feet off the ground with the ball
outstretched, Fergus was hit by three Palavers, each with its own
distinct trajectory. 600 kilos of high gravity muscle descended
with substantial velocity on the frail human body of Fergus Loaf
and he was undone.
     
    Dave ran across
the lawn. He pushed his way into the muttering huddle of dog and
Palaver.
    ‘The entire
diameter of ball has to cross line and the player must exert
downward force for it to be a try,’ said Enoch, reading carefully
from a small book.
    One of the dogs
half barked, half yowled and Enoch grinned. ‘Yar, good point,
plenty downward force.’ There was some general sniggering, before
Dave exploded.
    ‘You cretins,
you broke him didn’t you. I told you he’s just human. What did you
want and go and do that for?’
    ‘He fine Dave,
we lever out of ground, get breath back. No worries,’ said
Enoch.
    ‘Yes there are
worries you clod. Look at him; he looks like a kid’s drawing of Mr
Corkscrew Legs. There’s blood everywhere.
    ‘Oh. We thought
weak bladder. Is bad Dave?’
    Dave looked
down at the broken mess that was Fergus Loaf. It was worse than he
thought. Not just broken legs. The knees bent in the wrong
direction, probably with multiple fractures hidden below the turf.
The pelvis was too narrow and the torso seemed to join the lower
body at the wrong angle.
    The anger on
Dave’s face drained away.
    ‘It’s bad
Enoch, really, really bad. We can’t fix this. He might even
die.’
    Enoch’s grin
disappeared and he whistled two loud, rising notes. Something round
and flat was thrown hard by one of the Palaver. Enoch caught it,
held the disk between his palms, and twisted. The disk split open
along its edge. Enoch ripped open Fergus’s shirt and pressed one of
the halves firmly onto Fergus’s chest.
    Enoch studied
the other half of the disk and pressed it a few times. Fergus
shuddered, coughed, and drew in a huge breath. His eyes blinked
open and he jerked his head forward. Enoch pressed the disk again,
and with a sigh, Fergus closed his eyes and sank into
unconsciousness.
    ‘Won’t die
now,’ said Enoch.
    ‘Aye, but he’ll
never play rugby again,’ said Dave.
    Enoch scratched
his chin and grinned.
    ‘We fix him.
Fix him good. But not allowed - embargo. Still, special
circumstances Dave. You have power. Who are we not to obey the
Planetary Plenipotentiary?’
    Dave raised his
eyebrows and stared at Enoch.
    ‘Oh right. Now
all of a sudden the unbreakable embargo can be ignored at the wave
of my imperial hand. Enoch you are so full of it I am surprised you
don’t squelch when you walk. ‘You break him, you fix him’ that was
the deal. Don’t go dumping responsibility on my doorstep. I shall
be in the pavilion, taking a much-deserved snifter of the finest
Irish. I shall be casting my all powerful eyes over there.’ Dave
pointed towards the barbican, ‘Do what you have to, I don’t want to
see, I don’t want to know.’
    Dave stomped
back to the pavilion, deliberately not hearing words like