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his arms.
    In the darkness, I followed in their footsteps, into the living room where we would all be together. Colin would come over to me, I’d take off his tie, he would kiss me, Clara would stand between us, we’d have dinner, Colin would put our daughter to sleep, and then we’d be alone together, confident in the knowledge that Clara was safely in her bed, sucking her thumb.
    I realized that our apartment no longer existed; I had wanted to stay here to keep everything intact; I was wrong. No more files, no more hearing the sound of keys in the lock, no more racing around on the parquet floor. I would never come back here.
    Forty-five minutes on the subway only to end up stuck at the bottom of the stairs to the exit. My legs felt heavier with each step. The cemetery entrance was right near the station, but I didn’t know that. Just as I went through the gates, I told myself that I couldn’t go empty-handed. I walked to the closest flower shop; there were plenty in the neighborhood.
    â€œI’d like some flowers.”
    â€œYou’re in the right place!” the florist said, smiling. “Is it for a particular occasion?”
    â€œFor over there,” I said, looking towards the cemetery.
    â€œDo you want something traditional?”
    â€œJust give me two roses, that’s all I need.”
    Surprised, she walked over to the cut flowers.
    â€œWhite ones,” I said. “And don’t wrap them up; I’ll take them as they are.”
    â€œBut . . .”
    â€œHow much do I owe you?”
    I left the money, grabbed the roses from her, and rushed out. My wild race stopped when I got to the gravel lane of the main path. I turned around and around, searching in all directions. Where were they? I went outside again and fell in a heap on the ground. I hurriedly dialed Happy People’s number.
    â€œHappy people booze it up and have sex. How can I help you?”
    â€œFelix,” I whispered.
    â€œAre you all right?”
    â€œI don’t know where they are, can you imagine? I can’t even go and see them.”
    â€œWho are you trying to see? I don’t know what you mean. Where are you? Why are you crying?”
    â€œI want to see Colin and Clara.”
    â€œYou’re at . . . at the cemetery?”
    â€œYes.”
    â€œI’m on my way; don’t move.”
    I’d only been to the cemetery once, the day of the funeral. I’d emphatically refused to go there afterwards.
    After running away from the hospital, the day they died, I hadn’t set foot there again. Both my parents and Colin looked horrified when I announced that I wouldn’t be there when they put their bodies in the coffins. My in-laws left and slammed the door.
    â€œDiane, you’re going completely mad!” my mother exclaimed.
    â€œI can’t be there, Mom, it’s too hard. If I watch them disappear into those boxes, that would mean it’s all over.”
    â€œColin and Clara are dead,” she replied. “You have to accept it.”
    â€œBe quiet! And I’m not going to the funeral, I don’t want to see them go.”
    I started crying again and turned my back on them.
    â€œWhat?” my father spat.
    â€œIt’s your duty,” my mother added. “You will go and you won’t make a scene.”
    â€œMy duty? You’re talking to me about duty? I couldn’t give a damn about that.”
    I turned angrily towards them. Rage had replaced my grief.
    â€œWell, you do have responsibilities,” my father said, “and you will carry them out.”
    â€œYou don’t give a damn about Colin, Clara, or me. All you care about is keeping up appearances, fulfilling the image of a devastated family.”
    â€œBut that’s exactly what we are,” my mother retorted.
    â€œNo! The only family I’ve ever known, my only real family, is the one I’ve just lost.”
    I could barely breathe anymore;