New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer Read Online Free
Author: Bill Maher
airlines should pay for it. Are they high? The airlines are broker than Michael Jackson. Delta announced last week it was taking away the pillows —the pillows? That’s like Holiday Inn saying they can’t afford the mint. Plus, now what am I supposed to use to muffle the crying kid next to me?
There’s what we pay lip service to, and then there’s what we pay money for, which is, after all, what we actually “value.” We could have good security at the airport; we know how to do it. Have you ever been to a casino? There are more cameras than at a Korean wedding, with zoom lenses that can count the stitches on your date’s sex change from 50 feet away. You can’t do math in your head in a casino without being spotted, recorded on videotape, hustled off the floor, and buried in the desert by Joe Pesci.
So what I’m saying is, Am I just a dreamer, or could we try to make the airports at least as secure as Circus Circus?
Class-Holes
NEW RULE
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com . There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years—because you don’t particularly like them. Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days—mowing my lawn.
Closed-Mouth Session
NEW RULE
Congressional sing-alongs of “God Bless America” are the cheapest form of political pandering. We get it. You’re on our side. Now get back to work. Those lobbyists in your office aren’t going to blow themselves.
Color Scheme
NEW RULE
Color-coded terror alerts are not just for campaigns. I can’t remember the last time we had one. It must have been ... anytime John Kerry tried to speak. Okay, the terror alerts stopped the same second as the election, but that doesn’t mean they were fake. That’s just being paranoid. If you think Bush would do something like that, you might as well say he hires fake reporters, bribes columnists, and produces his own news.
Coming-Out Party
NEW RULE
If your father is a dangerous zealot who describes homosexuals as “sinners” who practice “selfish hedonism,” you have a moral duty to become a lesbian. Congratulations to Alan Keyes’s daughter Maya, who did just that. Now, if you can just get yourself impregnated by David Crosby and then immediately get an abortion, I think we can drive Daddy right over the edge.
Coming Too Soon
NEW RULE
Stop bringing out DVDs so soon. I’m still ignoring you in the theater.
Corntroversy
NEW RULE
Cornbread isn’t bread. It’s cake.
Coronary Eatery
NEW RULE
Your hamburger can’t be bigger than your ass. Denny’s Beer Barrel Pub in Clearfield, Pennsylvania, is offering a new burger that weighs 15 pounds. One sign your portions may be too large: if one of the health risks is a back injury.
Crappy Meal
NEW RULE
You can’t put any more types of meat on a bacon cheeseburger. Once you’ve made it a bacon cheeseburger, you’re done. If you’re adding more than that, you have to opt out of Medicare.
Prescriptures
NEW RULE
P harmacists have to fill prescriptions. More and more American pharmacists are refusing to fill prescriptions for birth control because of their personal moral objections. You know what would really teach us a lesson? If you took off your pretend doctor jacket and got another job.
Or maybe I’m wrong. Maybe cutting off the Pill doesn’t go far enough. It’s high time activist drugstores stopped coddling sluts in every aisle. Let’s not sell any more makeup, either. A good woman doesn’t paint herself. And no more deodorant. You should smell bad—keeps the boys from getting ideas. And no suntan lotion—I’ve seen what happens at the MTV beach-house, you whore. You want to avoid melanoma, buy a veil.
Why is this country becoming Utah? I know the conservatives are always saying that the coastal elites don’t really “get it” about them because we just “fly over.”
There’s what we pay lip service to, and then there’s what we pay money for, which is, after all, what we actually “value.” We could have good security at the airport; we know how to do it. Have you ever been to a casino? There are more cameras than at a Korean wedding, with zoom lenses that can count the stitches on your date’s sex change from 50 feet away. You can’t do math in your head in a casino without being spotted, recorded on videotape, hustled off the floor, and buried in the desert by Joe Pesci.
So what I’m saying is, Am I just a dreamer, or could we try to make the airports at least as secure as Circus Circus?
Class-Holes
NEW RULE
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com . There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years—because you don’t particularly like them. Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days—mowing my lawn.
Closed-Mouth Session
NEW RULE
Congressional sing-alongs of “God Bless America” are the cheapest form of political pandering. We get it. You’re on our side. Now get back to work. Those lobbyists in your office aren’t going to blow themselves.
Color Scheme
NEW RULE
Color-coded terror alerts are not just for campaigns. I can’t remember the last time we had one. It must have been ... anytime John Kerry tried to speak. Okay, the terror alerts stopped the same second as the election, but that doesn’t mean they were fake. That’s just being paranoid. If you think Bush would do something like that, you might as well say he hires fake reporters, bribes columnists, and produces his own news.
Coming-Out Party
NEW RULE
If your father is a dangerous zealot who describes homosexuals as “sinners” who practice “selfish hedonism,” you have a moral duty to become a lesbian. Congratulations to Alan Keyes’s daughter Maya, who did just that. Now, if you can just get yourself impregnated by David Crosby and then immediately get an abortion, I think we can drive Daddy right over the edge.
Coming Too Soon
NEW RULE
Stop bringing out DVDs so soon. I’m still ignoring you in the theater.
Corntroversy
NEW RULE
Cornbread isn’t bread. It’s cake.
Coronary Eatery
NEW RULE
Your hamburger can’t be bigger than your ass. Denny’s Beer Barrel Pub in Clearfield, Pennsylvania, is offering a new burger that weighs 15 pounds. One sign your portions may be too large: if one of the health risks is a back injury.
Crappy Meal
NEW RULE
You can’t put any more types of meat on a bacon cheeseburger. Once you’ve made it a bacon cheeseburger, you’re done. If you’re adding more than that, you have to opt out of Medicare.
Prescriptures
NEW RULE
P harmacists have to fill prescriptions. More and more American pharmacists are refusing to fill prescriptions for birth control because of their personal moral objections. You know what would really teach us a lesson? If you took off your pretend doctor jacket and got another job.
Or maybe I’m wrong. Maybe cutting off the Pill doesn’t go far enough. It’s high time activist drugstores stopped coddling sluts in every aisle. Let’s not sell any more makeup, either. A good woman doesn’t paint herself. And no more deodorant. You should smell bad—keeps the boys from getting ideas. And no suntan lotion—I’ve seen what happens at the MTV beach-house, you whore. You want to avoid melanoma, buy a veil.
Why is this country becoming Utah? I know the conservatives are always saying that the coastal elites don’t really “get it” about them because we just “fly over.”
Readers choose
Ali Sparkes
Charles D. Taylor
Hannah Skye
Denise Hunter
Joe Stretch
D.L. McDermott
Anna Schumacher
Alison Bruce
T. Jackson King
Susan Furlong Bolliger