New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer Read Online Free Page A
Author: Bill Maher
Okay, maybe, but you guys don’t get us either: We need sex. Refusal to provide birth control threatens our economy and our very way of life here in Southern California. There’s a lotta hot chicks out here, man; we need birth control. Seriously—I mean, how do you think movies get made?
Now, of course, I know the other side is saying, yes, but this is a moral issue. Problem is, not everyone gets their morals from the same book. You go by the book that says slavery is okay but sex is wrong—until after marriage, at which point it becomes a blessed sacrament between a husband and the wife who’s withholding it.
In conclusion, let me say to all the activist pharmacists out there, the ones who think sex is bad, probably because sex with them always is: A pharmacist is not a lawmaker, or even a doctor—in the medical pecking order, you rank somewhere in between a chiropractor and a tree surgeon. You don’t answer to a law higher than the laws of men. You work for Save-On. The doctors are the ones who make the medical decisions because they’re the ones who went to medical school, whereas you were just transferred from the counter where people drop off film.
BILL MAHER D
NEW RULES
Defense Mechanism
NEW RULE
Lay off Rumsfeld and his 9/11 memento. Yes, Donald Rumsfeld took a piece of the airplane that hit the Pentagon—like you’ve never lifted anything from work. But he kept it for a good reason: to remind himself of who did this to us. Otherwise, we might have retaliated against the wrong country.
Déjà View
NEW RULE
Enough with the reunion shows. First we endured Dallas getting back together, then the gang from Happy Days. That didn’t make me say, “I wonder what Schneider’s been up to?” If I cared about what a bunch of hasbeens from the ’80s thought, I’d have backed Bush’s war plans.
Deliverance
NEW RULE
Britney Spears and her husband have to name their new baby “Shithead.” It’s the redneck version of “Apple.” And while we’re at it, stop bugging her about smoking—it’s a little late to start worrying about the DNA when half of it is Kevin Federline’s.
Devout of His Mind
NEW RULE
Pat Robertson is insane. Just because he smiles and wears a nice suit doesn’t mean he’s any less of a whack job than all those wild-eyed, urine-stained nut bags who babble on street corners about Jesus through a bullhorn. And he’s getting desperate, because after you’ve agreed that the purple Teletubby is gay, where do you go? It’s like Madonna when she needs attention. She has to keep upping the ante. In a year or two, she’ll have nothing left to do but anal. And by then, no one will care. Except Pat Robertson.
Diet-Netics
NEW RULE
Scientology makes you fat. John Travolta, Kirstie Alley, Lisa Marie Presley: fat, fat, fat! L. Ron Hubbard went to the cupboard to fetch his old dog a bone. But it was gone, because his followers scarfed it. Be honest: It’s not a religion; it’s just an excuse for a bake sale.
Don’t Be Hatin’
NEW RULE
You can’t criticize a governor for not hiring black people for his cabinet when his state has no black people. No, when he was governor of Vermont, Howard Dean never appointed an African-American to his cabinet, possibly because there’s only one African-American in Vermont, and she’s on the maple syrup bottle.
Don’t Go Greek
NEW RULE
No gay fraternities. Apparently, there are now dozens of them. Why bother? If you’re gay, you already have a much better way of bonding with another man than the chug-a-lug. Fraternities are for fucking assholes, not for fucking assholes.
Don’t Play It Again, Sam
NEW RULE
Everyone has to stop pretending Woody Allen movies don’t completely suck. Hollywood stars must stop pretending that it’s an honor to appear in his unwatchable, recycled tripe, and critics have to stop pretending that
Now, of course, I know the other side is saying, yes, but this is a moral issue. Problem is, not everyone gets their morals from the same book. You go by the book that says slavery is okay but sex is wrong—until after marriage, at which point it becomes a blessed sacrament between a husband and the wife who’s withholding it.
In conclusion, let me say to all the activist pharmacists out there, the ones who think sex is bad, probably because sex with them always is: A pharmacist is not a lawmaker, or even a doctor—in the medical pecking order, you rank somewhere in between a chiropractor and a tree surgeon. You don’t answer to a law higher than the laws of men. You work for Save-On. The doctors are the ones who make the medical decisions because they’re the ones who went to medical school, whereas you were just transferred from the counter where people drop off film.
BILL MAHER D
NEW RULES
Defense Mechanism
NEW RULE
Lay off Rumsfeld and his 9/11 memento. Yes, Donald Rumsfeld took a piece of the airplane that hit the Pentagon—like you’ve never lifted anything from work. But he kept it for a good reason: to remind himself of who did this to us. Otherwise, we might have retaliated against the wrong country.
Déjà View
NEW RULE
Enough with the reunion shows. First we endured Dallas getting back together, then the gang from Happy Days. That didn’t make me say, “I wonder what Schneider’s been up to?” If I cared about what a bunch of hasbeens from the ’80s thought, I’d have backed Bush’s war plans.
Deliverance
NEW RULE
Britney Spears and her husband have to name their new baby “Shithead.” It’s the redneck version of “Apple.” And while we’re at it, stop bugging her about smoking—it’s a little late to start worrying about the DNA when half of it is Kevin Federline’s.
Devout of His Mind
NEW RULE
Pat Robertson is insane. Just because he smiles and wears a nice suit doesn’t mean he’s any less of a whack job than all those wild-eyed, urine-stained nut bags who babble on street corners about Jesus through a bullhorn. And he’s getting desperate, because after you’ve agreed that the purple Teletubby is gay, where do you go? It’s like Madonna when she needs attention. She has to keep upping the ante. In a year or two, she’ll have nothing left to do but anal. And by then, no one will care. Except Pat Robertson.
Diet-Netics
NEW RULE
Scientology makes you fat. John Travolta, Kirstie Alley, Lisa Marie Presley: fat, fat, fat! L. Ron Hubbard went to the cupboard to fetch his old dog a bone. But it was gone, because his followers scarfed it. Be honest: It’s not a religion; it’s just an excuse for a bake sale.
Don’t Be Hatin’
NEW RULE
You can’t criticize a governor for not hiring black people for his cabinet when his state has no black people. No, when he was governor of Vermont, Howard Dean never appointed an African-American to his cabinet, possibly because there’s only one African-American in Vermont, and she’s on the maple syrup bottle.
Don’t Go Greek
NEW RULE
No gay fraternities. Apparently, there are now dozens of them. Why bother? If you’re gay, you already have a much better way of bonding with another man than the chug-a-lug. Fraternities are for fucking assholes, not for fucking assholes.
Don’t Play It Again, Sam
NEW RULE
Everyone has to stop pretending Woody Allen movies don’t completely suck. Hollywood stars must stop pretending that it’s an honor to appear in his unwatchable, recycled tripe, and critics have to stop pretending that
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