New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer Read Online Free Page B
Author: Bill Maher
a tiny old Jew could be scoring with Tea Leoni and Helen Hunt. Somebody contact wardrobe—the emperor has no clothes.
Du Jour Job
NEW RULE
Room service personnel must know what the soup is! You’re working the phones at room service. What do you think you’re going to get asked—what you’re wearing? If I’m paying 28 dollars for two eggs and a Coke, you should know the soup, all the state capitals, and where I left my keys.
Not Another Teen Movie
NEW RULE
S omebody make a movie I want to go see. If you’re asking why movies have gotten so bad, I’ll tell you why: It’s because Hollywood studios now get 60 percent of their money from DVDs, all of which are bought by the young, dumb male demographic, the same one that’s given us Maxim magazine, attention deficit disorder, and George Bush.
When I was a teenager, Hollywood didn’t give a damn about me—and that was good! Good for the movies and good for me because I was challenged—to smarten up instead of dumbing down. Besides ruining movies, we’ve also managed to ruin our kids by making everything be about them. And now if I want to see a movie, I had better like loud noises, things blowing up, and Colin Farrell.
Movies suck because Hollywood has figured out that Mom and Dad don’t spend their money on movies anymore; they give their money to their kids and they spend it on movies—to break up their shopping sprees at the mall. It’s like American parents are on one long date with their kids—no, it’s even worse; it’s like Robert DeNiro in Casino, helplessly trying to buy the love of a shopaholic hooker with no heart, played, of course, by Sharon Stone.
Before I die, could someone please make one more movie I want to go see? I’m not asking for the moon here, and I’m not some film snob with a ponytail who only likes subtitled Albanian documentaries. But to middle-aged people like me, a good movie is like good sex—you don’t have to put one out every day, but when whole seasons go by without getting one, you do start to get a little horny for entertainment.
BILL MAHER E
NEW RULES
Eddie Iz
NEW RULE
Transvestites are gay. I know what you’re going to say: “Bill, not all transvestites are gay.” Yes, they are. Studies show ... aw, screw studies. Yes, they are.
Elimistate
NEW RULE
The next reality show must be called America’s Stupidest State. We’ll start at 50, and each week, if your state does something really stupid with, say, evolution or images of the Virgin Mary, you’ll move on to the next round. Of course, the final five will always end up being Alabama, Utah, Kansas, Texas, and Florida. Sorry, Tennessee.
Emerald Ale
NEW RULE
This St. Patrick’s Day—if you want to get drunk, just get drunk. Don’t blame Ireland. Why is the drunk the only Irish icon we celebrate on March 17? What about the unreadable novelist, the unwatchable playwright, the unbearable clog dancer? Or the fat cop, the crooked mayor, the shifty bomber, the incompetent waitress, the fiery spinster schoolmarm, the dowdy upstairs maid, and the sadistic lesbian nun?
Emission Impossible
NEW RULE
Dating a self-proclaimed 26-year-old virgin is probably not the best way to stifle the gay rumors. You’re a big star, you can have any woman you want, and you pick the one actress in town who doesn’t put out? I thought Scientology was supposed to clear your mind.
Entertainment Weakly
NEW RULE
No more TV gambling. First, there was Celebrity Poker, then there was Celebrity Blackjack. I saw one show that was just Camryn Manheim scratching lottery tickets. What gets on TV has to be at least as interesting as what’s on the average security monitor at a convenience store.
Exit Pole
NEW RULE
Don’t lop off your boyfriend’s penis and flush it down the toilet. That’s what Kim Tran of Anchorage, Alaska, did recently after she and her boyfriend had a spat: She cut off
Du Jour Job
NEW RULE
Room service personnel must know what the soup is! You’re working the phones at room service. What do you think you’re going to get asked—what you’re wearing? If I’m paying 28 dollars for two eggs and a Coke, you should know the soup, all the state capitals, and where I left my keys.
Not Another Teen Movie
NEW RULE
S omebody make a movie I want to go see. If you’re asking why movies have gotten so bad, I’ll tell you why: It’s because Hollywood studios now get 60 percent of their money from DVDs, all of which are bought by the young, dumb male demographic, the same one that’s given us Maxim magazine, attention deficit disorder, and George Bush.
When I was a teenager, Hollywood didn’t give a damn about me—and that was good! Good for the movies and good for me because I was challenged—to smarten up instead of dumbing down. Besides ruining movies, we’ve also managed to ruin our kids by making everything be about them. And now if I want to see a movie, I had better like loud noises, things blowing up, and Colin Farrell.
Movies suck because Hollywood has figured out that Mom and Dad don’t spend their money on movies anymore; they give their money to their kids and they spend it on movies—to break up their shopping sprees at the mall. It’s like American parents are on one long date with their kids—no, it’s even worse; it’s like Robert DeNiro in Casino, helplessly trying to buy the love of a shopaholic hooker with no heart, played, of course, by Sharon Stone.
Before I die, could someone please make one more movie I want to go see? I’m not asking for the moon here, and I’m not some film snob with a ponytail who only likes subtitled Albanian documentaries. But to middle-aged people like me, a good movie is like good sex—you don’t have to put one out every day, but when whole seasons go by without getting one, you do start to get a little horny for entertainment.
BILL MAHER E
NEW RULES
Eddie Iz
NEW RULE
Transvestites are gay. I know what you’re going to say: “Bill, not all transvestites are gay.” Yes, they are. Studies show ... aw, screw studies. Yes, they are.
Elimistate
NEW RULE
The next reality show must be called America’s Stupidest State. We’ll start at 50, and each week, if your state does something really stupid with, say, evolution or images of the Virgin Mary, you’ll move on to the next round. Of course, the final five will always end up being Alabama, Utah, Kansas, Texas, and Florida. Sorry, Tennessee.
Emerald Ale
NEW RULE
This St. Patrick’s Day—if you want to get drunk, just get drunk. Don’t blame Ireland. Why is the drunk the only Irish icon we celebrate on March 17? What about the unreadable novelist, the unwatchable playwright, the unbearable clog dancer? Or the fat cop, the crooked mayor, the shifty bomber, the incompetent waitress, the fiery spinster schoolmarm, the dowdy upstairs maid, and the sadistic lesbian nun?
Emission Impossible
NEW RULE
Dating a self-proclaimed 26-year-old virgin is probably not the best way to stifle the gay rumors. You’re a big star, you can have any woman you want, and you pick the one actress in town who doesn’t put out? I thought Scientology was supposed to clear your mind.
Entertainment Weakly
NEW RULE
No more TV gambling. First, there was Celebrity Poker, then there was Celebrity Blackjack. I saw one show that was just Camryn Manheim scratching lottery tickets. What gets on TV has to be at least as interesting as what’s on the average security monitor at a convenience store.
Exit Pole
NEW RULE
Don’t lop off your boyfriend’s penis and flush it down the toilet. That’s what Kim Tran of Anchorage, Alaska, did recently after she and her boyfriend had a spat: She cut off
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