Officer Spence Makes No Sense Read Online Free Page B

something.
    “What cute dogs!” said Andrea, who never misses the chance to brownnose a grown-up. “What are their names?”
    “Skippy and Jif,” said Mrs. Jafee. “They’re peanut butter–sniffing dogs.”

    Peanut butter–sniffing dogs? I heard of dogs that sniff out bombs. I heard of dogs that sniff out drugs. But I never heard of dogs that sniff out peanut butter! Maybe Mrs. Jafee was yanking our chain.
    “Where did you get peanut butter–sniffing dogs?” asked Emily.
    “From Rent-A-Peanut-Butter–Sniffing-Dog,” said Mr. Klutz. “You can rent anything.”
    “Ruff!” barked Skippy.
    “Get those dogs out of here!” shouted Officer Spence. “You can’t have dogs in school!”
    The dogs were sniffing all around Officer Spence.
    “Ruff!” barked Jif.
    “You dogs are under arrest,” Officer Spence yelled. “Put your paws up! You have the right to remain silent—”
    But Officer Spence didn’t have the chance to finish his sentence because suddenly, Skippy pulled something out of Officer Spence’s pocket.
    It was a sandwich!
    A peanut butter and jelly sandwich!
    “GASP!” everybody gasped.
    “Oh, snap!” said Ryan.
    “How did that get in my pocket?” asked Officer Spence. “Who put it there?”
    “I’ll tell you who put it there,” Mr. Klutz said. “ You put it there! Because you , OfficerSpence, are the real peanut butter and jelly bandit!”
    “GASP!” everybody gasped again.
    “I didn’t see that coming!” Ryan said to me.
    “You said it yourself,” Mr. Klutz told Officer Spence. “The criminal is alwaysthe one you least suspect!”

    The teachers started rattling their cages and shouting. Now that everybody knew Officer Spence was the peanut butter and jelly bandit, we all started booing him.
    “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
    “Throw the book at him!” yelled Michael.
    “Put him in the pen!” yelled Ryan.
    “Give him the chair!” yelled Neil the nude kid.
    But Mr. Klutz held up his hand and made a peace sign. When a grown-up makes a peace sign at our school, it means we have to shut up. Nobody knows why.
    “Why did you do it, Officer Spence?”Mr. Klutz asked. “Why did you turn to a life of crime?”
    “I…I…”
    Officer Spence didn’t have the chance to finish his sentence. Because you’ll never believe in a million hundred years who came into the all-purpose room at that moment.
    It was Dr. Brad, the school counselor!

12
The Truth About Officer Spence
    Dr. Brad climbed up on the stage. He’s an old guy with frizzy hair and a cane. He talks funny. *
    “I know vye he deed eet,” Dr. Brad said.
    “Vye?” asked Mr. Klutz. “I mean, why?Why did he do it?”
    Dr. Brad put his arm around Officer Spence’s shoulder. Officer Spence looked all sad.
    “Ven you ver a leetle boy, you vatched thee brave policemen on thee television and in zee movies, yes?”
    “Yes,” said Officer Spence.
    “They ver heroes to you, yes?”
    “Yes.”
    “And you vanted to grow up and become like von of zem, fighting crime, yes?”
    “Yes.”
    “But zee boys und girls at our school are so nice, zer eez no crime to fight here, yes? So you decided to invent some crime,yes? And zen you vould be zee beeg hero, yes?”
    “Yes,” said Officer Spence. He was whimpering now, like a kid who lost his dog or something.
    “Tell me about your childhood,” Dr. Brad said. “It vasn’t happy, no?”
    “No.”
    “Somezing bad happened to you ven you ver a leetle boy, yes?”

    “Yes.”
    “Eet vas somezing with peanut butter, yes?”
    “Yes!”
    “Mommy vouldn’t geeve you peanut butter, vould she?”
    “It’s true! It’s all true!” Officer Spence whimpered. He was totally crying now. “Mommy wouldn’t let me have peanut butter. All the other kids had peanut butter every day. But my mommy wouldn’t give it to me. Ever! Why? Why? Why?”
    Wow, Dr. Brad should be in the gifted and talented program! He had Officer Spence sobbing and blubbering all overthe stage. And we got to see