Officer Spence Makes No Sense Read Online Free

“We’ve got to do something.”
    “What can we do, call the police?” asked Andrea. “Officer Spence is the police.”
    Andrea was right, for once in her life.There was nothing we could do.
    That’s when I got the greatest idea in the history of the world. On the wall in the nurse’s office is a little red box that says FIRE : IN CASE OF EMERGENCY , BREAK GLASS .
    “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” I said to the guys.
    “Yeah!” said the guys.
    “Is this an emergency?” I asked.

    “Definitely,” said the guys.
    “Arlo, don’t!” Andrea yelled.
    She tried to stop me, but I was too fast for her. I pulled the fire alarm. *

9
Officer Spence Is Getting Weirder
    BRING!BRING!BRING!BRING!
    Fire alarm bells always go BRING! BRING!BRING!BRING! Nobody knows why.
    It was really loud! We had to hold our hands over our ears. Everybody was freaking out. It was cool.
    “Get outside!” people were screaming in the hallways. “Fire! Everybody outside!”
    When we got out to the playground, it was like a war zone. Officer Spence had put barbed wire on top of the fence. There was a helicopter hovering over the school. Officer Spence was wearing a camouflage suit, and he was running around with a weird helmet over his face.
    “What’s that he’s wearing?” Ryan asked.
    “Night vision goggles,” Michael told us. “They let you see in the dark. I saw them in a movie once.”
    “Night vision goggles are cool,” I said.
    “But why is he wearing night vision goggles in the middle of the day?” asked Neil.
    “Because he’s crazy!” Andrea said.
    Officer Spence was running around, arresting every grown-up he could find. First he ran over to our science teacher, Mr. Docker.

    “Freeze, dirtbag!” he yelled.
    “What did I do?” asked Mr. Docker.
    “You’re conducting bizarre experiments in the science lab,” Officer Spence said. “You’re under arrest.”
    He put handcuffs on Mr. Docker. Then he ran over to our bus driver, Mrs. Kormel.
    “Freeze, dirtbag!”
    “What did I do?” she asked.
    “I saw you drinking and driving,” accused Officer Spence.
    “It was coffee!” said Mrs. Kormel.
    “Yes, and you were drinking it,” Officer Spence said as he handcuffed her. “Drinking and driving is against the law,so you’re under arrest!”
    Then he ran over to our crossing guard, Mr. Louie. He was holding his guitar that looks like a stop sign.
    “Freeze, dirtbag!”
    “Hey man, like, y’know?” said Mr. Louie, making a peace sign. “Can’t we all learn to love one another and live in peace and harmony?”

    “No!” Officer Spence barked. “You’re under arrest!”
    “Hey, I’m just chillin’, dude,” Mr. Louie said. “Doin’ my thing. Like, can you dig it? Why are you hassling me, bro?”
    “Because you stand out in the middle of the street before and after school,” Officer Spence said.
    “Yeah, that’s my job, man,” Mr. Louie said. “Like, I’m a crossing guard? I gotta help the kids cross the street. It’s what I do. Can you dig where I’m comin’ from?”
    “You’re a jaywalker!” Officer Spence yelled. “And you’re going to jail!”
    “Oh, man!” Mr. Louie said as he was handcuffed. “Lighten up, dude! Like,y’know? You’re giving off bad vibes and bumming everybody out.”
    “You have the right to remain silent,” said Officer Spence. “So shut up!”
    “No! Like, help! Let me gooooooooooo !”

10
The Peanut Butter and Jelly Bandit Is…
    Officer Spence ordered us kids to go back inside the school and wait for him in the all-purpose room. That’s a room we use for all purposes, so it has the perfect name. I looked at the clock as we went into school. It was almost three o’clock. Soon it would be time to go home.
    We got to the all-purpose room, and it was amazing! The whole stage was filled with a long line of jail cells. Each one had a different grown-up in it—Mrs. Roopy, Mrs. Yonkers, Ms. Hannah, Mr. Loring, Miss Small. They were all