Shatnerquake Read Online Free

not.
               
    In the panic that phasering Jordan Mitchells, Klingon enthusiast, caused, Lorene Devonport was trampled by no less than seven overweight science fiction lovers.   As she lay dying, broken bones piercing her lungs, she saw the image of William Shatner hovering above her.   He looked down and smiled at her.   She smiled back.
               
    He turned around and faced no one in particular.   “There is a limit to the abuse the human body can sustain.   Hello, I’m William Shatner.   Tonight, on a special convention edition of ‘Rescue 911,’ we observe the case of Lorene Devonport, left battered and broken.   Will anyone arrive to help her in time?”
               
    How does William Shatner know my name? was Lorene’s last thought.
               
    “We would like to remind you,” he continued, “all the footage in this segment is real.”
     
    * * *
     
    Shatner walked from room to room in the museum, unable to find the way out of this maze of himself.   Each room was at least one hundred feet by one hundred feet with huge doorways at either end.   As he walked on Shatner could find no hint of an exit.
     
    As he went further into the maze the displays got stranger.   At first they were mostly obsessive props and tickets from his various shows and movies.   Now he was coming across displays labeled WILLIAM SHATNER’S BABY TEETH and WILLIAM SHATNER’S KIDNEY STONES.   The weirdest was the glass case purported to be a display of used condoms for which he was responsible. He was not sure how the convention organizers had gotten a hold of them and thought it better not to consider the implications for too long.   
               
    Worse, he was now getting a crowd following him.   The program was not providing enough of a disguise.   There were now around twenty curious fans following him through the maze.   If he didn’t find a way out soon, the crowd was sure to grow.   He hurried on hoping to find an exit or someone in charge.  
               
    He went through the doorway into the next room and saw at the far end another person that had a crowd following them.   The person got closer and Shatner could see through the glass display cases the blue uniform of a police officer.  
               
    Shatner ran around the cases and up to the officer, “Oh thank God, I...”   He froze in midsentence as he stared into the face of TJ Hooker.
               
    It’s just one of those damn impersonators.
               
    Shatner turned to walk away when Hooker punched him in the side of the head.   Shatner stumbled back and fell through a display case, sending broken glass and used q-tips flying.   He sat in the shattered glass and held his head, a thin line of blood trickling down from his temple.
               
    “What...the Hell’s…the matter with you?”
               
    Hooker grabbed Shatner by his collar.   “I’m taking you down scum.”   He lifted Shatner to his feet and threw him into the wall.   Shatner fell to the ground but was quickly back to his feet, his Drunken Shaolin Street Fighting skills kicking in.  
               
    After being swarmed and nearly crushed to a gooey pulp by overzealous fans at the One Weekend on Earth Convention in ’96, Shatner dedicated two hours of his day, every day, to the ancient Chinese art.   It came in handy at times like these when an autograph seeker did not know their place.
               
    Hooker came running forward.   Shatner grabbed him by his arms and used his force to throw him headfirst into one of the display cases.   Hooker crashed through and lay on the ground stunned.  
               
    One of the first lessons one is taught in the martial arts is that the best way not to lose a fight is to not get into one.   With this in mind, Shatner took off running, a crowd of screaming, cheering fans