The Dead Side of the Mike Read Online Free

point is that in the current climate, none of us has any time to make features – certainly not in News. We’re too busy producing the day-to-day programmes. If we ever got any thinking time, I’m sure we could come up with the goods.’
    â€˜Exactly,’ said John Christie, though Charles felt he would have said that whatever opinion had been expressed. ‘That is why we have here a representative selection of creative programme-makers to find out how that sort of time can be made.’
    â€˜Huh,’ objected a girl with a grubby T-shirt and Shredded Wheat hair, ‘you call it representative, but I notice there are only four women here.’
    John Christie opened his hands in what was meant to be a disarming shrug. ‘Sorry, love. When I said “representative”, I didn’t mean representative of society as a whole; I just meant representative of creative programme-makers within the BBC.’
    That didn’t go down any better. ‘I see, you are saying that men are more creative than women.’
    â€˜No, I didn’t mean . . .’
    â€˜Come to that,’ objected a young man with wild eyes, beard and teeth, ‘I don’t see many black people here. Or gays.’
    â€˜Who’s counting?’ came a limp voice from down the table.
    â€˜No, but there should be some blacks. I mean, we live in a multi-racial society.’
    â€˜Yes,’ said Mark Lear, ‘but we work in the BBC, where, as we all know, our concession to a multi-racial Britain is one coloured newsreader, a doorman and half the canteen staff.’
    The line came out rather crudely. Obviously it had been meant as a joke, and Charles wondered whether Mark was drunk. He had a vague memory from their previous acquaintance that Mark didn’t hold his liquor well.
    John Christie dispensed unction on to the ruffling waters of the meeting. ‘Now come on, we’re only at the stage of preliminary discussion. I’m sure when we get into more detailed work, we can decide what is the optimum composition of our work-force. This is just an exploratory meeting.’
    The objectors shrugged back into their chairs with Well-don’t-say-I-didn’t-warn-you expressions and the chairman continued, ‘Let’s try as far as possible to keep the discussion to features and how they are best made. Don’t let’s get side-tracked. Any thoughts?’
    â€˜I think we’re doing features already. We always have been on
Woman’s Hour
; just don’t give them fancy titles.’ This was from a lady of a certain age and a less certain shape. ‘I mean the programme we did recently on hysterectomy was a feature by anyone’s definition.’
    â€˜Yes, yes, I’m sure. But the point at issue is whether that sort of programme would be improved by having more time and resources available for its production.’
    â€˜I suppose it might be a bit better, but on the whole things that just have to happen come out best. At least that’s what we find on
Woman’s Hour.
All that’s needed to create good features is creative writers and producers. This moaning about lack of resources and time just sounds to me like bad workmen blaming their tools.’
    The girl in the T-shirt wasn’t standing for that. ‘Even the most brilliant workperson in the world needs some sort of tools to play with.’
    â€˜I didn’t know workpersons had tools; I know workmen do,’ came a facetious murmur from Charles’s right. They had been introduced before the meeting started. Nick Monckton, Light Entertainment. It seemed that everyone present felt obliged to slip into his or her departmental stereotype. Nick felt it his duty to supply the jokes.
    The girl either didn’t hear or chose not to hear the interpolation. ‘And by tools, I mean not only time and money, but also co-operation and encouragement from above. I mean, I came up with this great