The Teacher from Heck Read Online Free

them.
    â€œI QUIT! I QUIT! I QUIT!”
    Bernie B. to the rescue. Other kids might try to hide when something like this happens. Not the Big B. I knew I could charm her.
    I flashed her my best smile. “Mrs. H., your hair looks lovely when it’s wet,” I said. “The Damp Mop look really suits you. Awesome!”
    â€œI quit! I quit! I QUIT!”
    The old charm wasn’t working yet. I took a deep breath and tried again. “I love those earrings. Are they new?”
    â€œI’m not wearing earrings!” she screamed. “I have an infection on my earlobes!” She pounded her fists on the wall some more. “I quit! I’m outta here!”
    â€œMrs. H., let me explain what happened,” I said. “We only did it because we LIKE you! It’s just our way of saying what a good sport you are!”
    â€œHAH!” she cried. Then with a wet swish, she turned and went screaming down the stairs. “I QUIT! I QUIT! GOOD-BYE FOREVER! I QUIT!”

Chapter 9
T HE U PCHUCK G ARDEN
    That didn’t go well. We knew we were in trouble.
    A few minutes later, we heard Headmaster Upchuck’s tiny shoes tapping on the stairs. And then he appeared in front of my door.
    Everyone looks up to Headmaster Upchuck, even though he’s only three feet tall. He’s bald and has very pink skin and tiny black eyes. You could mistake him for a very big rodent, except that he wears a suit.
    â€œWhat’s going on here?” he demanded. “This is all your fault—isn’t it, Bernie?”
    I put on my best smile, stepped forward, and shook his little pink hand. “It’s good to see you, sir,” I said. “The guys and I were just saying how you never come visit us.”
    â€œShut your piehole,” he said.
    â€œVery good, sir,” I said, giving him a salute.
    His pink face darkened to red. “I just want to know what happened to Mrs. Heinie.”
    Behind me, Feenman and Crench were trembling. They didn’t want to be kicked out of school. I didn’t like the idea, either.
    â€œI can explain everything, sir,” I said. “By the way, did you tie that bow tie yourself? That’s brilliant, sir. It’s upside down, but it’s tied so beautifully!”
    â€œNever mind my tie,” Upchuck growled. “What happened here?”
    â€œPoor Mrs. Heinie,” I said, lowering my head. “It was a plumbing problem, you see. We don’t like to cause the school janitors any trouble. So we were trying to fix the water pipe in the ceiling by ourselves. And poor Mrs. Heinie just happened to walk under the leaky pipe when—”
    Headmaster Upchuck raised a hand to stop me.“Bernie, let me say to you what I say to my darling, little grandchildren every day.”
    â€œWhat’s that, sir?” I asked.
    â€œShut your yap.”
    â€œYes, sir!” I said, saluting again.
    â€œBernie, I know it wasn’t a plumbing problem,” he said. “Sherman Oaks told me about your Water War.”
    I put on my most innocent, wide-eyed face. “Water War, sir? I don’t know what you mean.”
    Upchuck turned to Belzer, who was shaking in a corner. “Belzer, you know about the Water War, don’t you!” he said.
    Belzer’s chins quivered up and down. “ No hablo inglés !” he cried. “ No hablo inglés !”
    Whenever Belzer gets scared, he pretends he doesn’t speak English. It’s kinda dumb, but sometimes it works.
    Upchuck let out a growl. He turned back to me. “Sherman told me you started the whole thing, Bernie. What do you have to say about that?”
    â€œIt wasn’t me, sir,” I said. “I’m allergic to water. I have to stay dry at all times. Even when I take a shower.”
    Upchuck pointed at my school blazer. “Bernie, are you going to tell me that that flower on your lapel doesn’t squirt water?”
    â€œOf course