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American homes have TV sets, which means the people in the other 2 per cent have to generate their own sex and violence.’
    COMEDIAN GENE BAYLER

Please don’t leave a message
    In October 2008, tousle-haired lothario Russell Brand and his BBC Radio 2 co-host Jonathan Ross got themselves – and quite a few other members of BBC staff – into lots of trouble when they broadcast a series of naughty messages they’d left on actor Andrew Sachs’s answerphone.

    The pair originally called the actor to interview him for their show, but, when he failed to answer, Ross decided instead to tell Sachs’s machine that Brand had ‘fucked [his] granddaughter’. Brand followed with the equally regrettable, ‘It was consensual and she wasn’t menstrual.’ Silly, silly boys.

The Audience Has It
    ‘Actives’ is an industry term for radio listeners who contact shows to request songs, participate in debates, or just to have a chat with the DJ. But perhaps it’s time to coin a new phrase, ‘bad actives’, to describe a DJ’s worst nightmare – the uncontrollable, mad or really stupid guest.

Bright spark
    This caller to an Australian radio station – that was running a competition to win a motorbike to celebrate the release of a new AC/DC album – wasn’t the sharpest tool in the box.

    DJ #1:   Hello. What’s your name?
    Caller:   Mark!
    DJ #1:   Now, listen, Mark, do you like AC/DC?
    Mark:   Yeeeees.
    DJ #1:   And, do you have a motorcycle licence?
    Mark:   No. But I’ll get one if I win it! I’m gonna win it.
    DJ #1:   Good, good. I like that confidence. Well, look, I have to ask you a question before I put your name in the draw.
    Mark:   OK …
    DJ #1:   Mark, spell ‘AC/DC’.
    Mark:   AD …AC.
    DJ #1:   Um, I’m going to ask you again. How do you spell ‘AC/DC’?
    Mark:   A …D …AC!
    DJ #1:   Mark, I’ll kill you in a minute.
    DJ #2:   Mark. One more time. How do you spell ‘AC/DC’?
    [Silence.]
    DJ #1:   SPELL ‘AC/DC’!
    Mark:   How to spell …A …D …D …C?
    [Sound of giggling.]
    Mark:   A …AD …A …I’m getting this all wrong!
    DJ #1:   Mark, you’re getting it seriously wrong. JUST SPELL ‘AC/DC’!
    Mark:   AD/DC!
    DJ #1:   AAAAAAARGH, YOU IDIOT, IT’S AC/DC!
    Mark:   AD/DC.
    DJ #1:   LOOK. A …C …D …C. Just. Say. That.
    Mark:   AC/DC.
    DJ #1 & 2:   YEEEEEAAAASSSS!
    DJ #1:   Mark, it wasn’t that hard!
    DJ #2:   OK, Mark, we’re gonna give you a copy of your favourite AC/DC album. Do you have a favourite album?
    Mark:   Uhhhh, anything by AD/DC is good.
    [Sound of DJs in fits of giggles.]
    Mark:   Oh, I’ll get it right one of these days!

    Triple M Radio, Australia

A piece of his mind
    In September 2011, irate radio listener Jonathan from Swansea called in to talkSPORT to tell late-night DJ Matt Forde exactly what he – and, according to his estimates, 99 per cent of the station’s listeners – thought of him.

    During a seven-minute rant, Jonathan accused Matt of the following:

      ‘You are a talentless liar, a shameless sycophantic sell-out with a jelly spine and a mush mind.’

      ‘You even lied about being mugged just to gain sympathy.’

      ‘You hate Western civilization.’

      ‘ You’re the reason why we had the [UK summer 2011] riots.’

    Matt held his own and, amidst hysterical giggles, managed to muster the following golden comeback: ‘Jonathan, you’ve swallowed the Internet!’
Straight to the point
    During a phone-in to discuss the issue of obesity, Radio 2’s Jeremy Vine unwittingly pitched size-eighteen Alison against straight-talking Steve. After Jeremy asked, ‘Is it time to stigmatize being fat?’ the following exchange took place:

    Steve:   It’s galling when people are travelling on low-cost airlines and you’re in a queue with an enormously obese person who, God forbid, you’re sitting next to.

    Alison:   I cannot believe that I’m hearing