Valentine's Day Sucks Read Online Free

STAT.”
    “Jessica, my love!” Oh, sweet baby Jesus. That impish Irish brogue belonged to Ruadan, the first vampire in the world, the biological father of Patrick, and my undead father-in-law.
    I pressed my hands harder against my eyes. “He’s standing right in front of us, isn’t he?”
    “Yes,” said Brady.
    “He’s naked, isn’t he?”
    “Oh, yes, love. I’m very naked. You should try it. You’re too tense.”
    “You have to go away,” I said. “I cannot look at my nude father-in-law.”
    “The human body is a beautiful thing, Jess.”
    “Dad?”
    Patrick’s voice was very near, on the right of me. I felt his arm go around my shoulders, I turned and pressed my face against his chest. I nearly wept with relief.
    “Wow.” Simone’s voice filtered through Sir-Mix-A-Lot’s booming rap song. “Ruadan? Jeez, that’s a—oh, hey, honey. I didn’t see you there.”
    “Simone!” cried Ruadan. “Good t’ see you!”
    “If you hug my wife,” said Brady in the coldest voice I’d ever heard, “you will die.”
    “Da, why are you naked?” asked Patrick.
    “Everyone’s naked,” said Ruadan. “I didn’t want to be rude and show up with me clothes on.”
    “You certainly are fit, Ruadan.” That voice belonged to my mother. I heard her gasp, and realized she’d glanced down at his package. “My goodness.”
    “Kill me,” I whispered. “Please.”
    “Let’s just find Eros,” said Patrick. If I didn’t know better, I would think panic edged his tone. “Colleen? Shall we go to Arthur’s apartment?”
    “Yes. It’s a short walk from here.”
    Because my husband loves me, and because he probably didn’t want to pay for my very expensive therapy, he scooped me up and carried me through the crowd.
    I refused to open my eyes until he swore that we were standing in front of Arthur’s apartment door and there were no naked people in sight.
    Patrick gently put me on my feet, and I opened my eyes. Brady and Simone, now with a freed Flet hovering near her shoulder, were on our left.
    Mom knocked on the door. “Arthur?” she called. “It’s me, dear. It’s Colleen.”
    “Aaaaaahhhh!” shouted a man.
    “Oh, my God! Arthur!”
    “Mom, move.”
    She stepped out of the way, and I gave the door a shove. It busted off the hinges and fell inward. We all marched inside.  
    Eros stood in the living room, his bow aimed at a man standing about three feet away. A towel was wrapped around his waist, thank the saints. Arthur had a bit of belly, in cute way I guess, a rather lot of chest hair, a likeable—if not frightened—face, and thinning gray hair. We gathered around Eros, all except my mother, who went to comfort her boyfriend.
    “Shot through the heart,” he cried. He pointed at Eros. “And you’re to blame!”
    I bumped Eros with my shoulder. “Dude. You give love a bad name.”
    Eros blinked, and looked down at me. “You again?” He swiveled around and took in his surroundings. “Shit. What did I do this time?”
    “You shot Arthur with your magic love arrows.” I grinned. “That sounds like a porno.”
    “You are so odd.”
    “Unique,” I said.  
    “Did he really shoot you, Arthur?” asked Colleen.
    “Yes. With a gold arrow that just sank into my chest. It tingled.”
    Eros grimaced. “I’m sorry. Look, we can explain—”
    Arthur backed up a step, dragging my mother with him, and held up both hands. His eyes went red and he flashed his fangs. “I don’t want any trouble!”
    His towel dropped to the floor.
    And I was suddenly staring at the penis of my potential step-father.
    I studied his package … well, because I couldn’t not look at it. Don’t judge. You’d do the same thing.
    “Hey, Artie,” I said. “Not bad. Not bad at all.”
     
    “ BUT WEREN’T WE already falling in love?” asked Arthur. He’d made a concession to us clothed folks by putting on a pair of shorts. We sat around his dining room table drinking bourbon as we filled him in Flet’s